Satire: Forever Shaadi Insta tales from Tuscany to Lake Como and Jodhpur

The season of Shaadis, Band, Banjaa and Ghomar refuses to quell, from Tuscany to Lake Como in Italy and now apna Rajasthan. If you think Deep-Veer shaadi is over, think again! Both Deepika and Ranveer refuses to cool their heels and like hurricane,  pictures sharing spree on social media and real menu a la carte, the star-studded receptions from Bengaluru to Mumbai. Well! They could have married a frog, if not a peepal tree to stop boring us to death but none are Manglik!

Pun intended. Heard the Ambani bacha is tying the knot and trust Mukesh to say Jio mere lal with cellphone towers sprawling all over the place and pinning for the best gift from his pal,  Narendra Modi. Priyanka and his Nick, at a time when celebrities are becoming the wedding brand ambassadorsof Italy, have taken it upon themselves to boom the Indian economy by saying, I do in Jodhpur making it simple, royal fashion. 

The moral boost that we needed right after counting and flipping our colorful bank notes from pink, lavender, blue to chocolate brown, except black after demonetization. Ooh! La! La! It may just boost our wedding growth this December at a time when Vasundhara Raje and Sachin Pilot are battling out with Kissa Kursi Ka!

Back to Deep-Veer Insta picture sharing and overdrive PR with the hashtag best bride of the world to kill, it could give Netflix a complex or they may just release their wedding in theatre this Friday and not to suffer the same fate of Padmavati forever postponed last December. Khilji has just turned from villain to hero in this period marriage sage of undying love, enough to give Bhansali to jittery and itching for the next big band idea.  I’m actually thinking who bites the dust next! Err! New couple of time to say yes to shaadi vaadi!

The real killer, of course, is those Insta photo sharing that doesn’t seem to die down and maybe Deep-Veer nurturing aspirations for a next superhero kinda couple to rival with Chitti Reloaded after his version of Robot 2.0 avatar.  No wedding is complete without naach, gaana and booze, our Big Fat version from Italy to Jodhpur and Mumbai, with Amitabh Bachchan shaking a lead to Jhumma Chumma dede and Shah Rukh Khan to Chaiya Chaiya a la Ranveer Singh. Can we expect the new groom dude to remain in one place when music plays as if traffic signals in Mumbai are not enough?

Another reason to make a music album of the wedding reception and sell, making the moolah! Who says bad days are there when it’s raining money! Here’s the trick to make the moolah to celebrate the wedding video in theaters next to you!  Perhaps you need to get drunk with your friends and party wild to beat the Big fat wedding handover all over social media. Just saying!

Fashionista Sonam ki Shaadi and Masakali getting no Anand

Masakali is nursing her wounds alone, shattered and heartbroken. The fashionista got hitched in true fairy tale style. Poor pigeon got to do the dance steps alone.  Our Sonama wore the bridal attire when the bearded Prince Ahuja took her with him. Anand hi Anand for the dude with his bride Sonam Kapoor.

 The wedding broke the hearts of the princess' millions admirers nurturing bruise in the hearts. A tale of the celebrity biting the Shaadi ka ladoo not at Cannes but at home in Amchi Mumbai to make a bridal statement, mehendi pasted on the hand that could have passed for black forest choco. Save the world, oops, Hindi cinema and Cannes from Sonam. Veere did come not in June but early May in this Sonam di Wedding. The camera lenses and Paparazzi were in for this blockbuster wedding to grace Page 3 with the Salmans, Shah Rukhs, Arjun Kapoor and Papa Anil Kapoor jigging on the dance floor. Veere di Wedding couldn’t get a more live promotion that Sooraj Barjatya Prem Ratan Dhan Payo and Hum Aapke Hain Kaun are sounding like lost gramophone records.

Ever wondered what wheel cousin-brother Arjun Kapoor played in this special appearance for all we know he was the third wheel to cover Sonam's date as a kid. From guest appearance to sidekick till the groom’s car! No fashion faux pas wedding for this Kapoor daughter turning into Ahuja overnight changing names faster than one would change into pajamas, nightgowns or partners.  I don't need to get hitched. Nah! Sonama didn't break my heart to run away with Ahuja for you see the Anand is his not mine. I can now convince Maa to have seen all rites, shaadi ka rasam of Sonam for everything is parroted dil se and mind, reciting hymns by heart, watching gorgeous pictures on social media and whatsapp. Forget about finding me a sasta dulhan. Now, that all prospective brides are inspired by Sonam ki Shaadi that we, the groom side, will end up paying Dahej. Mom would be scared for Sonam wedding party is like the bird flu. Itne saare karche ab shaadi ko bhoolja.

The cherry on cake is the satisfaction that I got for pretending to be Ahuja and getting hitched by seeing Sonam's pictures going viral online. Maa! See! I already feel married and getting hitched will make me feel like being into a second marriage without being divorced or married.

 Sonam has just become a national inspiration for stealing the thunder right under the nose of all prospective mothers-in-law and husbands. I just convinced Mom that all prospective brides will ape her and sit adorned in designer sarees and gold at home to call the shots. No matter which broom you use or bhusa, ab dust nahin niklega ghar se! Both of us have accepted my forever Kunwara status at home just because of Sonam. I gotta vote for her at Cannes and the National Awards for being the best woman saving bachelor men like me from barbadi. Sonam is the superwoman and move over Superman!

Biplab ka magic

A new hero is roaming the roads and might be a Maharajah to revive the city of ruins. Heard he is record breaker and world champion of ridicule, something that has been mastered by his peers. Quite a few in the kingdom but this one claims everything hands down. Our hero's name is Biplab Kumar Deb, not to be mistaken with James...James Bond. Another master of ridicule, our entertainment in the house of madness, Sambit Patra must be wary for there is competition with the name Biplab.  Better watch out, Biplab is rising to claim the crown and the temperature is falling.

Image credit: Google/ http://www.odishashines.com/tripura-cm-believes-using-twitter-unleashes-troll-army/

Fuck our silly brains! And, if you think that Internet was something that we witnessed or our parents did with their own eyes, you are in for loud fart. Nah! We are not the generation who witnessed the creation of net since it was created in the times of Mahabharata. As we were wondering this CM Saheb might possibly tell that Narendra Modi-Ji was the reincarnation of Lord Krishna, he beats our imagination to death and turns into a beauty pageant expert. He re-invented the wheel to remind our stuck up brain on how Diana Hayden didn't deserve to be Miss World but Aishwarya Rai. The Papa of Great Invention.

Our guy deserves to be the brand ambassador of so many thing right from Fair and Lovely to our cows. Trust me, the vast knowledge and magic connation will make us forget about Alladin or P C Sorcar and he will surely turn black into white or white into black to make a magic potion for everyone. Don't be surprised if he takes upon himself like Krissh...Koi Mil Gaya stupid to solve all of India's problems in a jiffy and become a fortune teller to ensure we don't lack anything at a flick of the finger, getting India's rid of all issues, corruption, crime against women and unemployment.  Ek chutki mein Biplab ka magic. The seekers in old age don't need to watch spiritual or religious show for our Aastha Channel is aired live.

Our man Biplab is not yet done with his extravaganza and is one of the rare species who believe that the more booboo, the merrier. Forget about Mahabharata or Ramayana, Biplab Sarkar is in full mood to link our cows to Aadhar card!  Any guesses, this genius must be the reincarnation of Einstein for creating immediate employment with Gau yojna for our youth by reinventing Gandhi-ji's way of self-sufficiency. Our PM must immediately promote him as a special advisor how to solve every problem, right from the spaceships, warships, Pakistan or China and to create a miraculous pill by smearing a mixture of gau mutra to make India debt free and reaching full employment. We have got the man who has a solution to every fucking problem on earth.

Who shot the pigeon in the dark? It's not Rajamouli's Bahubali or perhaps since katapa ne bahubali ko kyon maara should be addressed to Biplab Babu.I am convinced he has the right answer and he may just consult our civil engineers to build the country, oops make them join the civil service in India to bring down redtapism. Now, why on earth I never had a teacher like him for just missed the chance to become a polished genius. Aye! Mere phooti kismat! Now, who came first demonetisation and GST or Biplab! Now, let me open a pan shop and the first one will be  treat to Biplab. Confused.

Satire: Happy hour and Asanskari condom ads at 10 pm

Titillating pleasure, mental masturbation and emotional ejaculation are shaking the pure minds smeared with Desi Patanjali ghee. How do we forget some people don’t have sex at all but count every condom thrown in university campus! The pleasure seekers crave for crocodile peacock tears to give them an orgasmic pleasure.

There are certain things in life that gives such a sadistic high that it was decided to give us happy hour, deemed better than sex. Aila! I never knew that post 10 p.m is the time baby to watch condom ads since it’s unsanskari to do so during prime time. After all, who needs sex when Arnab Goswami starts shouting in our ears?  I repeat post 10 pm is the new happy hour since Sarkar thought ki we should not rendered useless at the not-so-late night show time. Mitron! I neither lust after Sunny Leone’s Manforce condom ad nor does the sight of Durex sends me into parlok yatra.

Tauba! Tauba! Naughty naughty ads post 10 o’clock...will make the likes of Baba Ramdev melt as my silly mind tells a new Patanjali condom flavour will soon hit the market. Happy hour is now at 10 p.m to prevent people from indulging in the chromo zone of having sex. Bhakts have already won the Kurukshetra battle. See, sex is asanskari. What will now happen to the Pravachan on astha channel? Kurkure khao aur mast ho jao, mitron. 

No indecent condom ads between 6 p.m to 10 p.m Kyon ki Condom bhi kabhi titillation thi to save our Indian culture. Fuck education and awareness. Ban Nike shoes coz Just Do It is no longer hot and happening. Ab Dada aur Dadi-ji will have no TV to watch. We will miss our original Sanskari Babu Alok Nath on TV. Itna mazaa kyon aa raha hai at 10 p.m. Kamasutra is lost. Once upon a time there was a Kohinoor called Condom. Issko lagadala toh life no jingalala. 

Mourn the death of condom for we are sure it will disappear from the shelves of chemist and welcome to asli vikas.  We don’t lack incentives now for making our own brand of condom at home to develop self-sufficiency. Bapu must be so proud. Now, link your Aadhar card to every condom that you buy or make at home...ache din happening during late night show on the Indian idiot box. 

It’s the breaking news of the year for STD diseases and unwanted pregnancy has just been wiped off the planet courtesy Smriti-ji. Hey! It’s no jhumla sarkar but genius Sarkar. Condom ads ka Balidaan TV pe will go down in history. Sex is dirty and immoral na. See, it’s not Munni badnam but Condom badnaam darling tere liye. Mourn the death of our condom ads on prime time kya pata kal ho na ho. Stop whining! After all, what are your hands for if not to get them soiled and wet? Be Sanskari. 

Politically and morally incorrect

Love

Vishal

 

Satire: Luv Shuv 100 crore V-Day

A pataka celebration with flowers, red roses, chocolates and lovey dovey wishes unfurled on social media, with couples professing love for each other this February. Jeena Marna Tere Sang and the next Valentine, humming Mein Tera Dushman Dushman Tu Mera. The Valentine Day that came with all shor in the city and dollops of sharaba, with couples shouting on rooftops on how much they love each other till death do them rather than us apart.

Image credit: google

The social media walls flooded with pyar wale love messages painting the city a rosy red and tweets that could have mistaken V-Day as the world orgasm day. So much love that Dilli's odd and even formula would have made a grand come back in style. Isse kehte hai pyar! I almost became a Pappu that failed in love to happily munch Cadburi, nursing the 'imaginary break-ups' I never had. It's all in the mind, isn't it?! Our RaGa didn't say poverty is a state of mind!

It's the day to avoid social media with soo much gun totting Pyar Vyar, Ishqaon dishkaon that gave us the impression there is no place for war, rudeness or meanness. The folks, who ek dum healthy would soon get themselves tested for diabetes with so much saccharine and sweet romance. Sugar would not kill us but declared love would on Valentine Day. Shoppers could be tempted to abandon selling sweets but only love flowing in the air. 

The Ishqwala love of bhaiya-ji aur Pinki who would never get an average date are filled with hope to get their Badrinath ki dulha aur dulhaniya, gyrating to Tamma Tamma Loge in quest of love. If tis not reason enough, Aditya Chopra would write his next candy floss romance minus Befikre love which will be released next Valentine on social media. The dude will laugh all the way to the social media bank and if it is to be believed, Valentine is the stuff 100 crores business is made of. Come and sell love.

Our Doodhwala turned into Phoolwala bhaiya for the day and made a killing with his roses grabbed and sold like hot Jalebi with fastest fingers first as if downloading Sunny Leone semi-clad wallpapers. Our Cadburi wala got a complex with so much love that their Kuch Meetha ho jaye campaign went for a toss. Now, who wants chocolate with so much love flung in the air this Valentine Day. A tale of phool beating Cadburi to death?

It's love free of worm. Put all the scientific testing of chocolate ridden worm aside for Valentine Day has won the battle of titans. Come and beat that. Who needs a sweet recovery from crisis when itna luv shuv can do the trick? Singles like me can only sit at home and eat worms at night when we don't have a date to flout on social media....muchkin, Baby! I love you so much!! At least, I don't do love pollution on social media with selfie, velfie and belfie, posting hundreds smoochie, cuddling pics on Instagram.

Sniff! Sniff! I should cry and be Garfield incarnate on Valentine for not having a date to cuddle and snuggle to with wine, roses and V-shaped goodies and cards. Too much ho gaya yaar on Valentine with this showering of love for the world to see as if it's Modi's 56-inch chest thumping and popping ladoo on election victory. Guess, that would kill Love Jihad.

Love
V

Pan Another Day

It’s the mother of ads! Hazaar Chaurasi Ki Maa. Pierce Brosnan aka James Bond 007, shouts on the roof top Pan Never Goes out of Style! Thank you, James Bond, our latest import. We shall PAN Another Day.

Forget about Fawad or Mahira Khan, the doe-eyed dude has been redefined. It’s our James Bond who flies in style to India and he flung the power of PAN on our foes, spitting balls of fire, mouthing and screaming PAN Another Day. Now, who can kill us when our Brosnan goes local, far from the Brylcreem to go lethal! Pan Bahar substituting as a surgical strike on our sworn enemy Pakistan! I bet our neighbour will stop exporting terror on our land.

No damsel in distress. Ladies! Game for an adrenaline rush to desire a piece of our bearded Brosnan or his flesh smeared Pan Bahar. Heard temperature is soared to a dizzying height to make our females go weak on their knees as our newly imported and adopted Desi version makes Pan Bahar his weapon of mass destruction in style.

Brosnan is not Brexited. Be like Pierce Brosnan. Chew the Pan Bahar. Reeling under shock that Brexit is pushing Brosnan to sweat and pump iron with Pan Bahar. Hey! Pan Bahar is the new secret to longevity. Now, who needs Viagra?  It’s simply Ban Bahar. The scent of Brosnan! Imagine apna Brosnan smearingPan Bahar on his face and body to make the females feel it to the top.  

Our James Bond is the Indian salesman of the year. You are in for a surprise and don’t hit the rock bottom if you see him at the Taj Mahal, greeting you with Pan Bahar wearing traditional white attire. Bas ek Pan Bahar Tandroosti ke liye! Pierce Brosnan is storming its way to make our Sunnys’ irrelevant, Deol and Leone. Pan Another Dude is making redundant Paaji’s  dhai kilo ka haath jab kissi pe utha toh aadmi udhta nahin udh jata hai. Jo Pan Khaye woh udhega aur duniya petal dee nahin hoga.

Pan Bahar will make our dudes fake an ogre and climax of sort pumping fist and iron to win their lady love for it never goes outta style. After all, our man is swooned by super hot damsels for he is the Pan man. Pan Bahar is the new Shastra, hurled at the enemies of the world and he takes the pie sitting on his crown. It’s Pan Bahar! Watch out an old but rejuvenated Brosnan giving tough competition to our macho heroes and the secret potion is Pan Bahar.

Fair N Lovely! You face tough competition by giving false hopes to be fair in today’s world where you are decried on misplaced colour superiority. It’s PAN. Who wanna be fair in today’s world? The buzz word is to rejuvenate the skin. Trust Brosnan to be the ambassador of hope to our waning skin and youthfulness. He’s the messiah and saviour of mankind. Oops! Did I say that? A faded brand getting a kick in the bum and Pan Bahar becomes The Order of the Phoenix, rises from the ashes.

Now, you know why Pan Bahar is trending? The memes and trolls on Pan’s glamour are ringing in bahar for their Mehboob has gone greyish. You imagine them to be a fool! The trolls are stumped with Pan Bahar and trust David O’gilvy to be resuscitated in his grave and burst to life. The stakes are high. O’gilvy pyare wanna grab Pan Bahar. Kya Idea Sirjee! Revise your copy Idea cellular. How about making Donald Trump chew Pan Bahar to knock some sense into his dim wit head? Say Pan Bahaar Trump Baba.

It’s Pan Bahar, the Pierce Brosnan way. Now, don’t keep fleeting hope that we will get back the Kohinoor. It’s lost forever like the twin sons separated at birth at the Kumbh Mela for Her Majesty has already sent us Pierce Brosnan. Take him and we don’t wanna him anymore...in exchange for Kohinoor. And, they ruled on us for decades. Pan Bahar offers new hope. Chew till the last hope for Brexit is buried deep in the grave. If James Bond can give us hope, we shall Pan Another Day.

Now let's sing together, James Bond 007....Pan Another Day 007. Once again! Say Pan...Pan Bahar! Penchan Kamyaabi Ka

Controversially Yours

Vishal

Papa patriarchy! Women of shame!!

Sindoor!

Bindi!

Is it your identity?

O! Woman!

Have you got no shame!

Rejecting social mores for Papa patriarchy knows best.

Of course, they will preach.

Take the name of your husband.

His identity is your identity.

Prepare his food.

Sleep early.

Wake before sunrise.

Serve him hot meals.

You don't have life, do you?

Forget thy parents.

Let your 'self' disappear like dust.

Don't ever rebel.

Lose your voice.

Marital rape is what you must accept.

You're a good fuck,

anytime when he so wish.

Thinking of divorce.

How dare you!!!

Got no shame,

destroying culture and traditions.

satire.

Vishal

Oh!! Willie Willie William and Katie!! Bless our Kohinoor

Genie wish!!! A girlfriend like Katie Katie not Winslett, darling would do wonder to my ego and health! Tons of royalty, I mean money bags!! Kidding, I wanna the Kohinoor shipped back to India. The least our Government could and should have done is to sweep Kate and Willie William off their feet, mollycoddling them that they are the rightful owner of the Arabian sea. Anytime, they could have dropped in to watch the still waters. In exchange, for our Kohinoor. A missed opportunity like our first Nano version. Ask Ratan Tata about it!

The dearie couple visited India and was guffawed by our symbol of love, Taj Mahal. Thank God, they didn't ask it as a return gift to Buckingham Palace. Our country folks are drooling on how hot Kate is and she got the charm and oomph factor, donning an Anita Dongre dress. She could have been our phoren and imported Maa Durga ringing in Lakshmi. Wonder what Sonia-ji will think with so much pandering. At least, Sonia hasn't lost the crown of Indian Bahu to Katie Katie and can take heart we haven't adopted her.

Image credit: Google India

She came and conquered hearts, this lovey dovey Kate, mother to the future heir of England. At least, we could have kidnapped, patented and adopted the little boy, this future King of England. Nah! We prefer to pander to his Maa and Baba and our celebrities losing their USP to royalties, secretly humming Kaash Mein bhi Royalty Hota!! A tale of Gods and Goddesses of small things blessing our land. Our Mann Ki Baat is still stuck like the old gramophone, K for Kohinoor. Trust SRK to serenade the royal lady, doing a detour from K..kiiran to K..koohinoor!

Saffron hangover. Think again! We go gaga over the Katie and William of the royalty relishing the juicy stuff of the world and how we love throwing ourselves at them. I prefer Lady Gaga rather than going gaga over the royal family.

Now, our Government is ensnarled by the lovey dovey royal couple that they have started to rewrite history, educating us how our prized possession was not stolen but given to the Queen of England. Have they been drinking a magic potion specially concocted in the Kingdom of England? Or!! Or!! Playing Lagaan in the middle of the night with the royal couple.

A rare selfie must have done the trick for us, grateful how our once colonial masters have accepted to be framed and how great they are to visit us. Athithi Devo Bhava!!

Where is our Kohinoor? After all, it has shifted so many hands before landing in the lap of the 'rightful hand' pretty much like the tale of Arabian Nights. The same old bedside stories, matlab nani ki kahani in a new package that would put us to sleep. And, to think we were the most prosperous nation in the world and our machines was shifted to England.  Ooh!! La! La! Nah! We shall not dig in the past and a kiss on the cheek from Kate would be enough to marvel at how perfect her skin is.

Perhaps, Katie and William can be our goodwill ambassadors of Incredible India in England. No Fair and Lovely or Kohinoor babes. A flying kiss would do...chalega chalega.

I am thinking where to shop for the Johnson Baby powder to go fair and turn into a very handsome boy!! Better I ask Kate darling to get me one for free and in exchange, I shall put a stamp of approval that her family is the rightful owner of our Kohinoor. But, dunno whether she'll love this unique piece? Our own Kohinoor, the Vijay Mallya.

Kyon Ki Taher Shah bhi pari hai!!

Hai re Allah!! Jal Pari!! Angel in human form. Pari hoon main!! Not me, you dumbos and trolls!! I ain't a self-claimed angel reclaimed through pop songs and videos on social media. I am cringing and whining. You know the culprit, right!! Our apna homo sapien, Taher Shah and Pakistani friend aka pari is making me look and feel so horrible. How I wish there were no purna janam or reincarnation!!

 I wouldn't give anything to be re-born as an angel for Taher Shah has taken swept the mojo under  my feet.   Born this way!! It shudders me to think Lady Gaga wanna do a reprise of her video wearing Taher Shah robe and wig. Our apna Kareena Kapoor Khan must be cursing herself for lip sync Papa ki pari hoon mein and wished in lieu of Pankaj Kapoor, she could have hummed to Taher Shah with 'Mere Papa hi pari hoon.' Trust Sooraj Barjatya to remake the song and make Alok Nath, our apna Sanskari Babu play Taher Shah on screen. He'd look dapper on screen.

Image source: Google

Just imagine, I was an actor and got to play a man in love with a Pari or mere bachi singing Papa ki pari, I would have abandoned the role on the spot and cut myself to size. I take a vow: I shall never get married for I don't wanna dear daughter singing papa ki pari for every time she'll do that, Taher Shah face will haunt me. Who wanna play Papa ki pari to Taher Shah? I bet! Many stars, daughters, and believers of Pari will stop believing in angels. I am already having day mares of not having a night mare of Taher-ji accompanying me to heavenly bliss. That would be horrible. right!!

Kaise kaise sapnay dikhate hai world ki pari, Taher shah. He has already given a bad name to the Shahs of the world. Now, our Gujjus bhaiyon and behenons must be fuming and thinking of throwing dhoklas and not andas on the dude. So much waste of our Gujju Dhoklas, singing Dhoka hua hai with the Shah namesake. 

See!! I trust my angel always but not Taher Shah, hell bent on spoiling my childhood and dream of meeting my pari, to do a duet. You horrible man, I dunno what to make of you and your ardent desire of making the cut as a mini celebrity! I would prefer you to blurt out some rubbish..racist rant on Twitter. A better way for folks like me to troll and make you famous than donning this pari avatar. I don't feel like trolling you, dude. You are making trolls badnaam. Munni hui badnaam, Taher pari ki wajah!

Papa ki pari! Jal pari! Pari hai tu! Kis ko pari! Taher Shah ko!!! I am racking and whacking my grey cells to come with funny words to describe you, man. But, but! You making the post look lame and horrible as you are. One thing is sure, your pari video should be distributed to the Taliban in Pakistan and I bet they won't venture in the open and wreck damage. Rather than making bombs in claiming innocent lives, they better share your videos to scare the shit outta ISI and Pak Government. Ha!! Your Government cries hoarse over India attacking your country or the fact that we conspire in pretending that we are the victims of terror that never happened, why the fuck did they make you wreck havoc on humanity. With a pari like you Taher Bhai, the world doesn't need bombs for you are such a big one on the head, eyes, and ears of people. Nobody ever told you that you are such a burden on the world, you atom bomb.

Heard emergency has been declared in Pakistan and they  are attempting to tighten all screw in your head. Screw! It should have been security for letting a mad mad pari going by the name of Taher Shah on the loose. Hey!! Hey!! Ever wondered on visiting the likes of Asaram Bapu and Shankaracharya of this world? Of course, singing and dancing pari to their tunes...like Basanti did for Gabbar!! I am sure they will abandon all penance and go a bit cool on religious crap or better shed celibacy.

Nopes! I ain't giving you idea of performing a sexual orgy in your next video. Dude!! That will exterminate humanity from the planet if you ever do that or you wanna be the next big thing to land yourself on Big Boss or Comedy Nights with Kapil. You shall be a blessing in disguise Tahir Shah for we will stop making the non-sensical soap operas or reality shows.

How I wish you giving Ekta idea on how not to make Kyon ki Taher Shah bhi Pari thi!!

We are all 'Ceiling Fans' of Rakhi Sawant

Who stole my good ole ceiling fan? Trust Rakhi Sawant to save me from the jaw of death and preventing me from committing 'suicide'? How I wish Rakhi was born before Sholay was made!! There would be no suicide scene...Dharam Paaji mouthing three times 'Suicide, Suicide and Suicide' and she would steal him right under the nose of Hema Malini. Maushi would die of heart attack on the spot and no Lambu would go to coax her to marry Basanti to Veeru. Just imagine the new version of Sholay with Rakhi Sawant. Bechariyon!! Basanti and Mausi would be outta job.

I am a big 'Ceiling Fan' of Rakhi Sawant for solving the problem of suicide in a jifffy. Our Mika Singh must be wondering on inviting her for the next birthday party to blow all the balloons  and getting rid of all ceiling fans in his apartment. Guess, there would be no smoochie smoochie this time but only ceiling fan removal like hair transplant. Now, Mika is getting all the grey cells working on how he would look on Comedy Nights Bachao with one single thread on his head. First there was Garibi Hatao and now Ceiling Fan Hatao.

Trust Rakhi Sawant to solve all national issues in the country and me heard, that her 'ceiling fan' removal will prevent earth quake from happening in the world. We would be saved from corruption for you know ceiling fans offer fresh air on the head of our netas how to take kickback on fat projects. 

Our Rakhi is joining the brigade of bans and the latest victim of course is our dear old Godrej and Usha ceiling fans. Ab ceiling fan ko kaun bachaega Rakhi Sawant se. Bhago yaar!! Bhago!! Rakhi Sawant se bhago!! The only person who is safe! No prize for guessing! Bhaag Milkha Bhaag. Farhan, you are safe, man.

Image credit: google India

I am a fan. I oft repeat. A huge 'ceiling fan' of Rakhi Sawant for solving all problems on the earth. You know the solution right! Hey!! hey!! She can the self-appointment ambassador to make Donald Trump run away from 'Primaries' oops 'ceiling fan'. No banning of beef, no Ghar Waapsi. It's the banning of ceiling fan. BJP, are you listening? After all, what all the hullaboo of preserving Indian culture and tradition when Rakhi Sawant has solved everything chutki mein. Ab aayega asli mazaa. Trust Rohit Shetty to make her first female oriented action movie with Rakhi Sawant in the lead to blow all ceiling fans in houses, cinema, office and where not!! Rohit Shetty, just one problem. How about putting ceiling fans on the trees, next to traffic lights and crowded streets. Don't worry, Be Happy. Rakhi is here to blow them apart.

I trust the Indian Government is (not) getting ideas of appointing Rakhi Sawant the next brand ambassador of 'Swach ceiling fan abhiyaan' to ban the unban: 'Ceiling Fans.' Or, being made the Minister of Ceiling Fans. Lara Croft is already getting competition for our own desi version in taking on her in the destruction spree of the poor and defense less ceiling fan. First there was tobacco companies and now ceiling fans companies to shut shop in becoming 'ceiling fans' of Rakhi Sawant. Aren't we all?!

Who Stole my Condoms?!

Politics is an art! You sell yourself to voters! You can sell condoms as a side business to rake the moolah. Ask BJP MP, Gyandev Ahuja, he will tell how he mints money by selling condom by creeping in the dark at JNU in Delhi. Condom sales soaring. It ain't Pathaka. What a figure! 3,000 per day.

Image credit:https://www.facebook.com/Arre-1647011945555015/?fref=photo

Woah! I'm so jealous. What am I doing slogging my ass? Stupid me. I could have shifted base to JNU at night and start selling condoms to students. Now, I am having second thoughts. I fucked up. Yeah! I swear. Where the fuck I discarded those used condoms. How brainless I am! Next time, I gonna send all my used condoms for recycling purposes to Gyandev Anuja. Meri Jaan! Condoms becho aur save karo. See! At the rate, this unique condom seller is going, it might be scarce on the market. Now, we will have a bevy of film starts endorsing condoms in front of JNU, right from Amitabh Bachchan to SRK and Deepika Padukone. Soon, Ranveer Singh will be out of work for his condom ad will soon fizzle out. So much time, our Ranveer Baba has wasted.

It's the new face of condom and he goes by the name Gyandev Ahuja, Next time, I misplace or lose my condom pack, I know who followed me to the chemist and sneaked inside my house. Chor padka gaya. Ahuja, you dirty and naughty fellow. Ah! How about doing a start up, Make in India and start manufacturing condoms to rake millions. I am sure Ahuja will help me out kick start my Make in India business and together, we can make it a money spinner. He will be my best salesman by standing outside the gate at JNU, selling it. See! I will create employment for the dude in his spare time, free from his parliamentary duty and sell condoms. Now, all you condoms manufacturers, no need to look far to recruit sales people for Gyandev Ahuja is here and shift your outlets at JNU.

It's all about the love you make. No hatred. It's true Ghar Wapsi and Ache Din the condom way.

Aaj kal Charchey Puri Sheher mein Condom ka and it's new self-posed brand ambassador Ahuja Sirjee, Who says foot in the mouth don't play and get into the lime light. It pays to be stupid and ludicrous, I tell, The man is such an inspiration that he is giving Yo! Yo! Honey Singh tough competition on the market. Apna Honey Singh wondering whether he will soon be outta work with Ahuja on his trail. Now, who stole the dope? Or, Ahuja is imagining a sex haven in his own world.

Wait! Did he missed an anti-climax during the night to hallucinate and come with such flimsy theory about sex, condoms and drugs.

The many facets of condoms Ahuja way and he is still counting. A tale of who came first, the egg or the chicken. Or,count your chickens before the hatch. It's a plot for a super duper successful erotic movie. The likes of Malika Sherawat or Sunny Leone will curse their luck that they may soon be out of work at the rate condom is being counted. Ahuja may script the story and play the main lead in this tale of dope and condom.

It's a lure. The condom lure. The Bhakts may call it Maya Jaal, an illusion of sort that condom is the real thing and sex is not. Facts will be re-written all over the place and trust Ahuja to get admission at JNU to do his Phd on condoms since he is a maven at it. He will narrate to us tales of condom, sex and drugs post midnight. Have to give it to him for his sheer hard work and dedication for tirelessly picked and counting used condoms at the university. It's time for all of us to stop whining and curse our jobs for if Ahuja can do it, everyone can. Yes! We Can.

Ask Bill Clinton what he did with all his used condoms at the White House. I am skipping the alleged blow job and trust Monika on that. Perhaps, she has preciously saved the used condoms and will send to Ahuja or tell him the sizzling White House tale.

Politically  and OffensivelyYours! 

Vishal

Curious case of Arnab Goswami

Arnab Sir Wants to Know in the Name of the Nation..who came first the chicken or the egg! Ask Rahul Gandhi, he will come up with an olfactory answer after beating around the bush, inspecting the oval boiled egg and breaking the yore. The Man, who pretends to be the Voice of the Nation is seen everyday somewhere on Times Now shouting for he wants to be heard. 

Image credit: Google

A tale of a shining gold biscuit that has been lost or gone errand somewhere claiming to be found by the one and only Arnab Goswami on his doctored show. First, accusing supporters of JNU of sedition and posing himself as the savior of Indian democracy in this whole national and anti national debate. Heard somewhere that you have a voice on the show of the Great Arnab! Buddy, you live in a fool's paradise if you believe in the words of Arnab. Remember, it's his show. The Great Arnab asks questions, cuts the dissenting panel short to give the answers. Oh! How can I forget, not without shouting his lungs out in a downright rude manner as if he is on a political platform?

Perhaps, Arnab wants to resuscitate the dead from the grave or giving a new leash of life to the pack of wolves. TV has never been so entertaining with Arnab Goswami leading as the army general when he is crying hoarse atop his voice. The great World War on Arnab show. Trust only, Rahul Gandhi-the minnow of Indian Politics-to frustrate him on his show on why The Nation Wants to Know.

Our Arnab is so patriotic that he can blindfold himself to tell us more about patriotism and nationalism by shouting in an uncanny ability. He may just fire the gun straight in the foe's chest with eyes wide shut.  Ah! He will give fodder to JP Dutta to make sequels of his patriotic movies based on the life of a TV anchor giving tough competition to Sunny Paaji-Dhai kilo ka haath-not Leone. Our Arnab will make the cut in the Great Return of the Last Action Hero rolling, shouting and getting teary eyed. Who needs glycerin when we have you performing to the best of ability, Arnab-ji?

Image credit: www.fakingnews.com/Google

When Arnab goes for the kill, better beware TV folks! No, your TV set can never go blank for the TV host voice will be heard all over the place and explodes the idiot box like The Last of the Mohicans to pop inside your drawing room, shouting at you why the fuck you munching beef over chicken. You know why?Simple: Because The Nation Wants to Know. Beware if you having sex for Arnab has the ability to fly like the superman in the middle of your climax to probe the whys of what you doing. He can be anywhere and everywhere.

Why our Arnab shouts his lung out with the right emotion? Is it because the nation wants to know or he is plain bored being on Tinder during his free time, hunting for single ladies that he can rope on his show, expressing how they are in dire need for a date! Or, single dudes turning into despo, not able to find a date. He might just ask them to spell out their sex life in the open.

He shouts so much that Phd students at JNU university might make him a case study or still better be the face of the premiere academic institution to protest about almost everything. How about being the poster boy of the Governent's Made in India campaign or advising Narendra Modi how to shunt out opponents shouting hoarse over intolerance and anti-national activities.

How about playing Inspector Daya on CID in real life? We trust you Arnab Goswami to make all the rapists, terrorists and under world king pins of confessing their crime for they will fear not the man in suit on News Hour but the voice that will damage the ear lobe and terrorize them forever. He's the best man to extract confessions for criminals would be too scared to hallucinate by hearing King Arnab's voice throughout the rest of their lives.

Naughty boy Arnab, now will you tell us where on earth you stole the doctored video? Now, the Nation really wants to know what naughty Arnab was up to? Was it during a sex romp or during your night search for seditionists among students? Now, don't you dare start shouting. You know the moral right, The Nation wana know.

Donald is not a duck

Donald is not a duck but a Trump and the joker in The Dark Night would fade in comparison if the man of the moment had its way in the US Presidential election. How I wish to gorge on my favorite Donald burger minus the Mc! How Donald's Trump is competing with his Indian counterparts on beef ban and everything that matters?

It seems that the Yankees version of Donald has been afflicted by the virus of banning Muslims. 'Train to Pakistan' reloaded the US way and howz about an Indo-US version of star wars: Ticket to Pakistan vs Ban Muslims! Cool idea, na. And, we thought that such entertainment in the name of politics happens only in India or sub-continent. Na re! Na re!! It (Doesn't) Happen Only in India. Mithun-da must be clapping his hands, Kya Baat! Kya Baat! Kya Baat!

Namo's new found brother who was was separated at the railway station..who else? Barack da Obama must be smiling at the self-destructive trump card in the game. Our, Hillary Clinton is sweating less for the Donald's mouth mystery or jabbing, will make her cut her campaign trail short in the former constituency. Oh! I almost forget that our Donald doesn't have a specific constituency. No Man's Land yet banning everything. They say, Voldemort will slowly rise against Trump for people are warming to him. Sniff! Sniff!! Whatta jolly good fellow our Voldemort was to that Trump dude.

Politics is the perfect couch for strange bed fellows. How bout Donald Trump, business magnate, investing in a flick 'Ban ya ticket to Pakistan'. A joint venture that would give a boost to the 'Make in India' campaign and he can spread his wings to Pakistan in pockets where 'Nafratein' is at its peak. Our Trump will put his money in the mouth at places where hate is at its peak. 

Heard that they are planning to ban this Donald in UK where 400,000 signatures has been reached. Whatta political career the man has in US!Truly cross over. He has already stopped short before hitting the highway. He might just give Imtiaz Ali a complex and must be wondering, why the fuck he made Highway. At least, I should have waited for this Donald Trump or better invite him to invest for a sequel on Ban the Highway.

Our Donald Trump is like Ram Gopal Verma who doesn't remember the movies that he makes nowadays since everything is screwed. Holy fuck! All India Bakchod would rant at this Donald. I am wondering what must the Donald wearing nowadays...sailor shirt, red bow tie and cap. Going at this rate, who knows our Trump might get lucky and hate mongers in India may just adopt him..Mere do anmol ratan ek hai Sakshi Maharaj aur ek Donald Trump.