Satire: Happy hour and Asanskari condom ads at 10 pm

Titillating pleasure, mental masturbation and emotional ejaculation are shaking the pure minds smeared with Desi Patanjali ghee. How do we forget some people don’t have sex at all but count every condom thrown in university campus! The pleasure seekers crave for crocodile peacock tears to give them an orgasmic pleasure.

There are certain things in life that gives such a sadistic high that it was decided to give us happy hour, deemed better than sex. Aila! I never knew that post 10 p.m is the time baby to watch condom ads since it’s unsanskari to do so during prime time. After all, who needs sex when Arnab Goswami starts shouting in our ears?  I repeat post 10 pm is the new happy hour since Sarkar thought ki we should not rendered useless at the not-so-late night show time. Mitron! I neither lust after Sunny Leone’s Manforce condom ad nor does the sight of Durex sends me into parlok yatra.

Tauba! Tauba! Naughty naughty ads post 10 o’clock...will make the likes of Baba Ramdev melt as my silly mind tells a new Patanjali condom flavour will soon hit the market. Happy hour is now at 10 p.m to prevent people from indulging in the chromo zone of having sex. Bhakts have already won the Kurukshetra battle. See, sex is asanskari. What will now happen to the Pravachan on astha channel? Kurkure khao aur mast ho jao, mitron. 

No indecent condom ads between 6 p.m to 10 p.m Kyon ki Condom bhi kabhi titillation thi to save our Indian culture. Fuck education and awareness. Ban Nike shoes coz Just Do It is no longer hot and happening. Ab Dada aur Dadi-ji will have no TV to watch. We will miss our original Sanskari Babu Alok Nath on TV. Itna mazaa kyon aa raha hai at 10 p.m. Kamasutra is lost. Once upon a time there was a Kohinoor called Condom. Issko lagadala toh life no jingalala. 

Mourn the death of condom for we are sure it will disappear from the shelves of chemist and welcome to asli vikas.  We don’t lack incentives now for making our own brand of condom at home to develop self-sufficiency. Bapu must be so proud. Now, link your Aadhar card to every condom that you buy or make at home...ache din happening during late night show on the Indian idiot box. 

It’s the breaking news of the year for STD diseases and unwanted pregnancy has just been wiped off the planet courtesy Smriti-ji. Hey! It’s no jhumla sarkar but genius Sarkar. Condom ads ka Balidaan TV pe will go down in history. Sex is dirty and immoral na. See, it’s not Munni badnam but Condom badnaam darling tere liye. Mourn the death of our condom ads on prime time kya pata kal ho na ho. Stop whining! After all, what are your hands for if not to get them soiled and wet? Be Sanskari. 

Politically and morally incorrect

Love

Vishal

 

RIP Porn the Ban

Subjects should never trust their Government! Hum Rankh woh Raja, it's the stark reality. I almost jumped with joy to make killing on the market when the porn ban was announced. I was on the verge of writing porn in protest against the ban to make the moolah. They made a U-turn to snatch my Rozi Roti.

Image credit: Google/Reuters

Ab yeh Rosie kaun hai! A birdie tells me her name sake was Mr Bachchan, secretary, in the golden days when PR was an unheard breed snatching the Roti of secretaries and us, journalists, lame attempt to snatch our bread-and-butter. See! My female character in my best-selling porn book would have been Rosie. I'd made a killing on the market, a breather to the sex and porn-starved men and women. I never became the savior for those poor species. The angry young man, re-incarnated by Yours truly, to save the people from the ruthless Thakur. I curse my Kismet. What a destiny I have! The Government has just thrown lathi on my peth. Yeh kya hua! Kaise Hua! Kab Hua! Kyon Hua!

Slap stick comedy going on, I tell you! Tu tu mein mein. Porn the Ban, Ban the Porn and it makes a comeback. Reason why! They tell you they can't control everything. A tale of death defying gravity and Issac Newton would be fuming in paradise. How they badly wanna wake up Newton uncle from his slumber, thinking he is Kumbhakarna!

Hey!! Was our man Kumbhakarna watching porn in his free time? Now, my silly mind is going havoc wondering how he was watching it and where he rented the DVDs, chupke chupke se. After all, it's a matter of aesthetic taste and Sunny Leone must be relieved for not going out of work and considering playing Radhey Maa on-screen. Babe! She has just been saved from going Dharmic when the likes of Malika Sherawat are out of work. Wonder what Giriraj Chauhan has to say about it! Aha! Was the FTII chairman planning to make good cinema by getting inspiring? Porn the Ban. What a market for us to become the biggest producer of Porn!! Censor board would have so much work to do, actively banning porn.

Image credit: http://economictimes.indiatimes.com/

We love muzzling voices, isn't it and banning everything that moves. Nopes! Beef on the plate doesn't move, couples having sex..do they get an orgasm of sort barging in rooms or what? Ban the Porn before doing a volte face. Ab kya karenge mein after removing the ban on porn? What shall I write? Hawan Karenge Karenge! I'll start writing books on Dharma, preaching wearing a saffron robe. I tell you, there are lots of money in that. Donning the mantle of a Swami, sprinkling blessing and what I do inside my prayer room is not for you to know! After all, there is no dearth of sexy Kanya as I try a Krishna. Nopes, don't get ideas for I know it's my dirty imagination at play or yours. Remember, Swami Nithyananda. 

I better do, Kapal Bharti for peace and Mann ki shanti. Forget about my porn adventure for the dream has broken into small pieces and shattered by the Government. Are Sarkar! Why do you give me false hope and let me dream. I better upload peeps smart phones with soft porn and erotic love in exchange for few 100 bucks. Koi bata de how do I make money now.

RIP Porn Ban

V

What To Do On A Friday

We all look to Friday, isn't it? Thank God It's Not Monday and Thank God It's Friday, that's the stark contrast between the first and painful day of the week and the last working day where we could dance our way to office.

1. Make sure you wrap up everything in office the earliest and do not stay till late which could well play the spoiler among friends, girl friend/boyfriend or husband/wife. On Thursday, keep all your stuffs in place and as you reach office in time, who knows your boss may release you much early, say 2.30 or 3 p.m

2. Drink lotsa and lotsa water coz you know the next stop will be pub where you will drink like a fish till the wee hours in the morning. You know you can sleep late on Saturday, and, therefore, you shall not hold yourself in partying like an animal.

3. Save money for Friday and spend the strict minimum from Monday to Thursday if you don't wanna play dutch and sit at home, watching MTV on Friday. You know you gotta splurge on Friday and you gotta make sure that you resist all sinful temptation before Friday comes.

4. Spice up your sex life on Friday and make it the most memorable sex you ever experienced. Go with the free flow of energy and make your partner wanted and desirable. First, you gotta remove all negativity to attain bliss in sex and make Friday sex a special moment that both of you look forward to experience.

5. Fake an illness on Friday. There can't be a better day in the week when you report sick and stay at home, lazing around and waking up late. Trust me, it's bliss not having to wake up and rush to office on Friday and it is an absolutely awesome moment. But, do it at your own risk.

6. Catch the latest release in theatre next to you. This week you can look forward to Shoot Out at Wadala starring Anil Kapoor, John Abraham and yes!!!! Sunny Leone. It's awesome to watch a movie on the release day and there can't be a better feeling than watching a movie till 11 p.m and become a party animal after that. Come on, unleash the demon within.

Have Fun
V