Unsung song and shimmering gold

Shimmering gold
As dark as illusion
Existence is just a pack of lies
Rough and unpolished from the surface
Scratch, scars, and bruise
Flutter of wind,
stroking the senses
Experiencing the intense and emotional form 
Unpolished yellow
Turning into the goldsmith,
to design existence and carving the reflection of stars
As myriad as it gets!
the unsung song
Aren't we all made of clay?
Muddy terrain that we tread,
Wounds injected
Sprinkle lil bit of salt on our rough interiors,
to shine into a flawless spot
We need some polishing to remove the scratch
Our brain wiring emotions
Separating chaff from the wheat
It's our golden moment



Why I have been single for so long?

I don't remember the last time I dated somebody and lost the art of flirting or striking a conversation with a random stranger girl. It's all about net practice, like some of my male friends would tell and urge me to be the wild stallion that I may have been in the past, at a time when people around me are either getting married, being in and out of a slew of casual relationships or flings.

Image credit: Google.

The school days were spent studying and facing the pressure with the same good ole mantra, 'No good marks, no good job and no decent girl with marry you. You can find a girl once you are done with certificates.' Surviving on a measly pocket money for a middle class boy means the chances of taking a girl out is slim. It left me with only one choice, bank robbery. I turned into a speccy nerd whom girls found boring to date. They'd better choose death which means no action for me, sadly. I whined my time fooling around with my 'luccha' friends and time just flew.

There were too many options of beautiful girls to crush on in college and too many choices means a life time went on to decide whom to date or not. There were too many silly crushes that I contented myself my share and the eyes kept craving for the strawberry faces. College life flickered like dust.

See, I am a one man woman and the girl I liked was either taken and poor me was friend-zoned. I waited in vain for her to break with her boyfriend and when the time came, I already moved on to greener pastures. Same old story repeated here.

When it was the time to date with money in hand, work took its own toll on me and there was hardly any time for that. The days were spent waking up early, getting ready for work and sleeping. I forgot what it was like to go around with someone.

I was still figuring out what I wanted to do with life, career wise. Most of the chicks at work were either taken, made a sister and very few had brains whom you can date. You know, mindless conversations and gossips. The worse thing is my silly brain that raised the relationship standard too high post my last relationship where me and my girl had an intellectual level where our minds more than the heart converged. There was no way that I could lower my dating standards. I am no Deepika who chucked the suave Ranbir for Ranveeer. To complicate things, it's my ethical mind that was at play where office romance is a strictly no-no affair. A decade went by without finding that almost perfect someone and my heart goes on. I felt like the male version of Celine Dion from another era.

Losing faith in human relationships with the amount of break ups and marriages going kaput became part of my routine. To top it all, I became so used to be along and single. Bad habits are hard to break. I became cynical with relationships after my break up where my everything was invested in that single relationship. The time I spent to nurse my wound and heal...Time to move on, baby!

With time, I can only admire a beautiful girl from a looming distance and thinking that she is too young for me or too hot to handle. Better, I go back to college days where occasional dating was drenched in memory. It feels like the train has already left the station and there is no one to blame, except yourself for failing to hop on the bandwagon. You are no longer handsome and she is a fucking princess. Smile and move on.

During the college days, a question haunted me: Why aren't I dating? It's simple. I was in a relationship with the gang who was only interested in making merry, fooling around and busy having fun by smoking, boozing and occasional ganja parties. Friends became my life and everything. There was no place for a chick to enter my life or else vows of friendship would've been violated.

The pressure to get married and all that shit where you tend to hit back at parents who keep bringing a prospective match. As it is, matrimonial sites like shaadi.com are for silly people who can't even find someone on their own. Certainly, I don't want to be that guy who goes on a blind date set by parents where the woman finds me bizarely weird.

Books, blogging and the unsuccessful attempt to write this best selling book about imaginary love and sex became my priority. I wanted to become the next Chetan Bhagat in town raking the moolah. A decade flew and still nothing ever happened. Probably, things will not be happening in the next decade of my otherwise routine and mechanical life. Sex is a luxury.

Where all those women that you keep urging me to date? I must find them in the first place. They are nowhere to be found and all my prospective dates or flings are already in marital bliss or busy tying the knot. It makes you go mad.

I've spent a major part of my life paying that personal loan that I took to travel, laptop and expensive phone on EMI. There is no money to take a chick out and the little sanity I have makes it impossible to ask a random woman out online. How despo it sounds?!

At the end of the day, it's all about the aspirations to move away from home and parents exploring life in various cities of the world and the joy of staying alone in an apartment gives me a mental masturbation. I prefer to grow and see life rather than being stuck in the drudgery of marriage and kids.

There is no intention to share my bed with someone for the rest of life. Like my whisky, I like my bed large where I can spread my stiff body and spend my time reading fantasies or the world romance in books that sell like hot pancakes. No one shall invade that space. I am scared of invaders and terrorists...who knows some hot bimbo may be hired to plant a bomb. Dreamer I am! It leaves me with only one option...getting laid.

So, now you get the drift? Stop asking me such fucked up questions about how I should have found a chick in college to tie the knot or someone to make my life.

Love ya all, fuckers


'Cougar' and pulling the strings in mature relationships

It's not a new phenomenon. Not is it about sexual thrills or estrogen-you know that sensation that run like electricity in our body and causing our sexual energy to reach an adrenaline high. It doesn't make men and women, predators, hunters and the hunted, witch or cougar, that attracts younger men. Unfortunately, the various media parlance terminology has cast an ugly shadow on relationships which is most of the time blurred by famous social prejudices and dogmas. The great hypocrisy in society that pulls all strings to control relationships that doesn't fall into their personalized grace. You name it, you get it, shame and guilt with the typical log kya kahenge.

Image credit: Google

The French President Emmanuel Macron is married to his teacher, Brigitte who is 24 years his senior where both have shown that age gap is no excuse for the blooming of a beautifully mature relationship. Would Brigitte be termed a cougar in our present society? I have no doubt on our hypocrisy and uncalled ability of controlling each and every thing or doling of gyaan on how such relationships pollute morality and other fuck ups, born out of the brain child of so-called social norms. There is nothing wrong in marrying someone older than you between younger man and elder women and vice versa. There has been several instances in the past where I have been attracted to women who are much older or younger to me and trust me, there ought not be guilt feelings to that. It whittles down to the personal choice that we make as human beings.

Sadly, we live in a hostile environment where the by-products of society think that it's a legitimate right for them to make our life decisions. It's a blurred path that they love to tread in controlling minds. It's my firm belief that such relationships are based on sexual freedom, empowerment and modernity coupled with maturity in sharing a bond. It's a deep relationship that petty minds cannot understand or weigh in the connection.

The worse about the equation between an elder woman and a young man, on one hand and elder man and younger girl on the other hand, is that very few will blame the man in that. It's a matter of grave prejudice when the woman is always on the receiving end with accusations such as ensnaring the man. Agree, that the term sugar daddy is as prejudicial as cougar but it's during very rare instances that men in such relationships face brickbats.

Moreover, I refuse to see such relationships as a matter of sexual thrills or adventure, and be it for a short-term or long-term relationship, we need to be more open. It is pretty much like inter-caste, inter-race and same-sex love or relationships, where nonsense are blurted out in the name of religion or misplaced morality. It's the plain ego and fear of the patriarch that their so-called established norms are being challenged.

It's a beautiful and admirable to witness the act of love and respect among elder and younger successful couples based on trust. The maturity is inherent, be it sexual, spiritual or on the worldly views where both partners can learn from each other and grow together. I am in awe of people, blessed with the zest for life and energy to feel forever young and daring to shrug off ridiculous comments, social pressures or prejudices. There is a certain dynamism in the so-called 'cougar' relationships.

Of course, every relationship have its own con and is not restricted to the younger man-older woman or older man-young woman or girl. Critics who snub at such relationships often point out that the disinterest in sex at some point will happen, hostility among family or even friends but also an interest of the younger part in someone their age coupled with the lack of spark. 

Hey! A beautiful relationship based on this equation is about maturity. Therefore, the above factors are hurdles that exist in any other relationship. For instance, what is the guarantee that your partner who is exactly your age will not stray or be attracted to someone else? Can a more or else, same age couple stake a claim to sexual compatibility or maturity? I don't think we can give guarantees in today's times. As far as the hostilities are concerned, I strongly believe that it's your life and you are mature enough not to be in the control or mercy of others, be it parents, extended family or anyone else.

No civilized or educated society can thrive on stupid biases and prevent people to live the way they want in their personal relationships. It's high time for words like cougar or sugar daddy be deleted from our dictionary for it fetters our growth and outlook.



Carcass of flesh and eerie night


Vagabond straying alone in the universe's created pathway and dark, empty roads;
 Temptation to sin in the city of lust;
Dark alleys;
Vociferous barking of dogs,
often a despairing call,
distrust of strangers:
Eerie silence in the night:
A temptation too hard to resist:
Of flesh and empty, barren souls;
Craving for tenderness, lusty touch and flowery garden of caress;
Empty souls that we are;
Sensual carcass of flesh,
the illusion of love;
It's plain good fuck that gratifies us;
Mechanical sex;
Sometimes with plain strangers and most of the times under society's stamp of approval;
The traveler in us is desperate;
This journey is an illusion;
Life's portrait can be damaging;
A stark reminder to take things slow;
Knocked down is good;
Stop and breath heavily;
Let the gentle air flow inside;
Close the eyes;
Be dead to the world.



Love Shot: A double-edged sword

It felt like mosquito bites on the arm, nape, neck before they kissed each other madly on lips. The height of passion reached a zenith their naked bodies were rolled inside the white bedsheet. Mad mad love like yesterday never existed and the future will never be. There were no vows or promises made but plain and passionate love in the present.

It was in the flick of minutes that Kashish and Kehkashan fleeced their homes as the former's wedding arrangement was made and she ditched her fiancee, storming their way inside the running train in their small village. The villagers chased them with sticks since they couldn't come to terms with the fact that the two lovers were playing with their honor. The love made by Kashish and Kehkashan would make no sense to the products of patriarch, a committee of five men who call themselves the Sarpanch who takes decision for everyone, except themselves.

Kehkashan lay still and naked, scratching Kashish back as he was inside her. She moaned and he exerted his might, losing his breath. Finally, their love has been consumed as fresh air wafted from the sea flew inside the apartment.

The most faithful of love stories can bear spot of treachery and love is often a double-edged sword. Kehkashan was still feeling him inside her. Kashish froze. A knife pierced his naked body, from the back and cut through his chest. The fiery parents of Kehkashan were able to pull both of them apart but she wouldn't move an inch from the bed. It felt as if her body was stuck like glue to him where no power of athletic hands and legs were able to pull her away. She smiled at them. It was a triumph of victory, their love over the forces of hatred. She already consumed a pill for she knew that they would be chased. It was the love shot. Her hands were firm on Kashish's grip. They were huddled together, two naked bodies in tight embrace where no force was powerful enough to separate them.

Love is one force that can cheat evil. It's a powerful emotion that united Kashish and Kehkashan in life and death. It was their honor that emerged unscathed, as one soul and not two bodies. Their love not only cheated their parents but also death that wasn't prepared to take them in its embrace as full passion furled.



My movie tickets affair

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The charm of glitz and blitz bit me like a bee sting at a very young age when I abhorred to count numbers and remembering formulas which never made any sense to me. It became my universe of imaginary dreams to make them come true. Churning magic on screen to make my world go perfectly round. After all, dreams don't have to be true in real but reel. The silver screen where all worries were forgetting at the flip of a coin and three hours of masti as I sat and gaped in wonder at the fight scenes, romance, tickling fun and songs playing on the big screen. The Hindi movies that I watched over the decades, emulating my favorite stars turned me into the ultimate filmi keeda.

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I am an avid collector of movie tickets, right from the Pune days where E-square became my permanent home watching movies as early as 8.30 a.m or 10 a.m skipping lectures, at lunch time or as late as 11 p.m at night. Movies made me switch off from the real world to enter an ocean of lights, camera, and action. Over the years, movie tickets at the box office, be it in Pune or Mumbai and other places on earth were never trashed but carefully preserved. It became my treasure trove and harbinger of memories.

There is no dearth of movie tickets in various colors with the logo of the theater or multiplexes, the advance bookings made and show timings which I haven't collected. Over the years, the print has faded out and it felt like magic holding this piece of paper in my hand, a reminder of the days that was and the love affair with the movies watched over time.

It's been a joy ride of watching movies and nothing can come between me and my first love, the movies during the first day, first show and throwing taalis and seethis on screen. Cinema is a culture in India and being part of something enshrined in us Indians is something every movie-goer is proud of.  The tickets collected over time shows the loyalty, admiration and hero worship for the stars we revere like anything and the fascination for the magic of film-making who teases us with every aesthetic shot and frame to make movie-watching a grand and opulent affair. It brought us closer to our cities and reality, at the same time. The sheer joy of watching Mumbai our city and places like Marine Drive where we would walk every single day which is shot on a majestic scale makes it so real.  Who says it's all about selling a dream? If it does, who gives a fuck! The magic lies within.

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The cinema tickets reminds us of the first movie watched or the ones I went with the love interest during the carefree days. Cinema is all about the days of romance where it brought us together, holding hands or stealing a kiss in the dark. I am a hoarder and love keeping the movie tickets accumulated over the years for it represents something unique which made me profess my love for Hindi films. There were the classics, blockbuster hits but also the damp squib. Good or bad, it was all about the love for movies.

I still remember the first English film I watched in Pune was Matrix 2 at Vijay Theater and my first Hindi movie was Mein Prem Ki Deewani Hoon. I couldn't get the ticket at E-square which was freshly inaugurated and was a couple of bricks away and the distance of a road, just behind my house. I took the rickshaw and stormed my way to Mangala. Mumbai was another feast and Eros Theatre opposite Churchgate Station was the place I was a regular, enjoying the latest flick at the balcony for just 60 bucks and Stalls for 40 bucks in the days of yore.

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The biggest misnomer in our Indian lives has been the storming of multiplexes that has made cinema an extremely expensive affair. As I glean through my decade-old cinema tickets and the affordable prices, be it Apsara, Sterling in VT, New Excelsior or Liberty as well as Esquare who at that time became a new experience in cinema for Punekars. I remember paying as low as 40 bucks for morning shows in Pune but the same cannot be said, nowadays. Multiplex or traditional theater, the joy of watching movies on the silver screen is the common man's staple in a country like India that must be accessible to everyone. I believe that it's a golden rule.

The clapping of hands and thunderous applause with hero ka entry and punch lines where the audience irrespective of gender, caste or clas whistle loudly is something that could only be experienced in India. The best thing is that nothing can ever beat the joy of sitting on the wooden chair in a typical theater, munch on samosas and watch your favorite stars doing maar dhaar or gyrating to the chartbusters. The tickets trace my journey as an audience who swears by films watching over the years and the thrilling experience of seeing cinema evolve over the years.

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I am a film crazy person. It's my daily diet and cannot imagine living without them. The movie experience in Indian is diverse, whether watching in small theaters or iconic ones and even, for that matter, cool, jazzy and expensive ones. At the time, I even watched movies at Inox at Nariman Point where the ticket price blew my mind and money which I wouldn't normally dispense. Of course, I was mesmerized by the luxury, the super rich crowd and fancy velvet seats where you could order your coffee or popcorn by not moving an inch. You were served right in front of your seat.

It's the experience that makes you love the celluloid to no end. I identify with films. With time, I may watch fewer movies on the big screen but at least in a year, I make it a point to watch a minimum of 10 to 12 flicks. Like they say, Lights! Camera! Action! It's a tryst with destiny. I am a proud filmi child whose movie tickets do all the talking and no power in the world would tempt me to give them away or sell to make a killing on the market. It's my wealth.



A drop of tear

A drop of tear splashing in the ocean

Break up

Knocked down

 Nursing wounds for a life time

The heart that loses its mojo to love again

A kiss that disappeared in the fading distance

Intensity that shook the mountains and trees

Stitching the wounds together,

to indulge in a spree of relationships

It bore no love

Mechanical pleasures

Better to indulge than hurt the self

Romance can be selfish and soulless

As long as it doesn't hurt,

let the indulgences quench the cravings

to fill the gap




Sensual gaze

Wrapped in the blanket,

it feels like we are lost lovers from another world,

united by the wintery jolt and breezy wind that caress the face,

like a sensual and amorous kiss

A fuck is lost in the distance,

the desire to fuck and don't tell

A substitute for love

It's plain sex minus emotions or clinging

Love is a blurred image of human attachment

Pointless and harmless imagination

Of love



Plain pleasure.

Sensual gaze

only if eyes could talk

to make a passionate embrace

coiling into each other

giving wing to momentary adventure

It's no imaginative mind

Yet, the soul wandering in the quest

to touch and caress



Creamy silk and breezy caress

Image credit: Google

Gentle love,

breezy caress,

Stroking of the silk,

untying the sari knot.

Flawless and creamy,

Layers of intimate touch,

Souls feeling and feeding the electrical jolts

Craving and sucking for the core emotions

After all, longing is not in the distant past

Humans make love and caress,

it's food of life

adding zing to existence



Being Personal and living in the moment

It's the last day in April. It's been drizzling and the temperature has cooled down which confines me to sit at home, reading stuff and attempting a personal post on this space. The love story with books continue unabated and I just got myself Ritu Lalit's His Father's Mistress and JK Rowling's third outing, 'Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. I am back with Potter series after a couple of years and love revisiting HP that meant so much to my generation.

I didn't take part in the April A to Z challenge after three consecutive outings and it's time to pull the plugs. I had my fair share and it becomes increasingly difficult to write for every single day of my life. I am happy that I don't feel the pressure which can drain the energy. One should write when the heart is in and not force oneself. These days, meditation and yoga are very helpful to curb the depression. I can say that things are improving when I look back to the past three years where I didn't have control over my life and the mind embroiled into unwanted thoughts. I am learning to be more aware in the Power of Now that helps one to live in the moment.

It brings me to the thought that I've been mulling over for several years, shifting back to India. The only hitch is the expensive house rent in cities like Mumbai and Pune which is holding me back. It got me thinking how time is flying and not making the most of life signifies that one is losing especially when the clock doesn't stop to suit one's own fancy or plans. Sometimes, I get tired of this self-reasoning or others reminding me that things will happen on its own. No. It doesn't. One must push things and the self to the edge. As I read about the life of thespian actor Vinod Khanna who passed away last week, his colleague and friend Kabir Bedi told how he left glamor and successful stint to embrace spirituality in US. The time he decided to come back to India, he had no money and survived in a humble room. Isn't it inspiring? God bless his soul. A true legend that lives forever in our hearts like his iconic screen name Amar from Amar Akbar Anthony.

In life, we should be ready to pursue happiness and make adjustment to survive on the bare minimal to adapt to our circumstances. That how we thrive and succeed.  When I read about such things, I am like, why not get back to India since for me it equates happiness. I need to wire my brain on accepting to compromise on luxury, struggle and expect the unexpected. It can be a long time being away for 8 years and time to weigh my options, either Mumbai or Pune. The hitch in Mumbai is the expensive lifestyle but Pune wouldn't be a bad deal to start all over again. As it is, Pune will always be home to me. I am in my mid-30s and feel that time is running. I need to catch the ball, swing and throw it on life.

There are so many things running in my head which are no less than the stormy river. The good news is that this week I have been able to work on my novel and wrote thrice a week which is a positive sign. I have already chucked out half draft to restart all over again since the book has dragged for more than three years. Guess, it's better to start again with the love story set in Mumbai that I am striving to pen. The perk of being a stay-at-home with a decent earning every month helps me to work on the book and come May, I shall flesh the stuffs with specific days to write the novel, reading, and the blog. As it is, it's one of my pet peeves to do so many things in a day which can be so counter-productive where one end up not doing anything worthwhile.

Going into self-analysis mode has been one of my biggest weakness that robs me of my sleep. This week I haven't been doing so well where I ended up staying awake and tossing on the bed throughout the night. There were frustrating moments where some people made some unwanted comments and I so wanted to put them in the place where they belong. Over-thinking doesn't work for my sanity and the frustration gnaws my sense of being. It compelled me to take some sleeping pills and last night, it did wonder to me when I slept till noon. Whatta perfect way to spend the Sunday! The only hitch is that I missed watching Bahubali-The Conclusion.

Till then, see you soon and have a happy Sunday. I am gearing up for this extended holiday as Maharashtra Day being celebrated tomorrow and the country I am based, it's also May Day. Happy Maharashtra Day.