Monsoon Affair (4):
I am confused. Help needeed! Actually, not confused but guilty...lil bit. I need to vent out because I think he is falling in love with me. I have never been in love with someone. There were passing affairs, flings, good sex and what's not! Gawd! In school, I've been attracted to guys. What started as good fun with Karan seems to become serious! I am sure about myself, I've never encouraged him to fall in love with me. It was just plain attraction and last time, we had passionate sex and not love.
It's my monsoon make-up and thrilling fun. But, his text messages are getting scary now. No! I don't think that I am making him a toy in my hand, playing with his body and fucking him whenever it suits me. I know it's not that. Waking me up in the morning and sending sweet nothings, saying he shall never forget me and we shall always be together. It's not even one night stand but a passing affair, enjoying each other's company, being a support for each other. I believe in living in the moment. It's an experience, learning from the time spent with Varun.
For sure, I like him as a person. He is good at heart, goes out of his way to make me happy and shower me with cakes, flowers and cards. Hell! I don't like where he is taking the whole thing, passionate love and all that crap. I just don't have the nerves for all these things. But, why the guilt? Especially, when I know that we are just enjoying the moments of intimacy and just need each other to make up, at the sea front, behind the buildings, coffee house, theater and passionate sex at home. We just want to be burned in the fire of pleasure. At least, what I want, exploring different positions with him and exploring intimate zones with him where no one has gone. It's my life. I have needs, crave for them and fulfilling them.
How do I make this man understand? First, I shouldn't be bothered and call it off when boredom creeps in and expiry date comes. But, why why! Somebody please explain to me! I am scared to break his heart and don't wanna do that. Will he blame me later?Or, he is thinking that I am in love with him. Nopes! I am not. I am not encouraging anything nor using him, hope he knows that. Why this guilt!
The last thing I want is to go through is the whole relationship shit or give him the impression that I am using him. Should I speak to him? Will he understand? Or, use the old tricks of ignoring him, not replying to his frantic messages or simply, get out of the city for a while. I know, many girls do that nonsense but it will lead to nowhere. But, what do I tell him? We enjoy each other's company and what started as harmless pleasure between just happened in the flick of the moment, that night after two meetings. He visited my home, it started raining heavily and I asked him to stay. Ok! We flirted and ended up cuddling, smooching and we got laid. It's not that simple, I know, but it's so complex this harmless fling. Who said our human interactions are simply just like fuck? Hard as it gets!!
This whole crap is troubling me and I am not able to concentrate in college. My friends tell me that I am making a huge mistake and that they don't make guys like Varun. Nobody can love me like he does and he's a good catch. Cliche! Filmi! Love and all this crap, screws one's career and this is what matters to me, career. I wanna get into films and I don't want a relationship to destroy my life.
Ahem!Ahem! So much headache with something which I thought was good fun. I shall see how far he wanna go and I'll have to put everything straight. May be, we will have to part ways but I am sure it will be good for him as well, I mean for both of us. Sometimes, we gotta fall down to understand reality and doesn't matter that it hurts. Do I have a choice, dear Diary?