Mixed baggage of emotions, feeling your presence my friend

It's a very personal post.For a quite a few days, I am being transported in a trance-like situation and I am delving further into the outer world, free of the human bonding and attachment. Sometimes, I wonder that life is really too short and we should detach ourselves from the real world and emotions. Rather, we should embrace the cosmic world, non-physical and enter the 'energy' body. Let's face it: We are living a fake existence in this world full of hypocrisy and sliding into the non-real of the human bondage and attachment.
I have just realized our fake existence. I mean, I know we are all living a fake life as ordinary mortals. I made an experience 2 days back when I felt the presence of someone in my life. Whoever are reading this post has the right to think that I have gone mad or some shit like that or that I am fooling people around. On Wednesday, I was in a low ebb as I happened to check my orkut page and scrapes that dates back way to 2006. I happened to read the scrap I sent to Sudhu and he sent back to me.
Then, one find day when there was no Facebook and I was gung-ho on Orkut, I remember quite well that time. I just shifted to Mumbai from Pune. One fine Sunday, I was getting bored in my room at Churchgate and went to the cybercafe to check my orkut scraps. I ran through a scrap by another dear friend of mine Koko, telling me..Hi Vishal, by now you must have heard the bad news...Sudhu is no more. He was carried away by the waters at Khadakvasla dam. I was dumbfounded and shell shocked. I mean why on earth, I dint check my scrap earlier and why I was informed much later after he died.
Several questions raced into my mind: How come life is so unfair and someone we are closed to, chose to disappear? Why it happened? Sudhu was the one who gave me the Bachchan nickname and people still knows me as Bachchan in Pune. I njoy being called Bachchan as it reminds me of Sudhu's presence in our lives.
Yeah, I am missing him for days now and perhaps it's his way to tell me that he is around. There are days where one wonder, Dude, why was the need for you to go, why couldn't you wait for some more time. I've been in this mode for a week now and this time around, when I wake up, I don't want to do anything neither I am in a mood to speak to anybody. Life is a bitch. I often wonder about the futility of life. As ordinary mortals, we rush to work and make money. But, does it matter? Coz we can never know when our lives will be over. Personally, it is a very complex situation: At the end of the day, does our existence really carry any value whatsoever? We live in a hypocrite society and lead a very fake existence. We get swayed by big bucks, material stuffs and emotions like love and soo many things associated to it. In fact, what w are living is a mere illusion.
Days before, I was shedding tears thinking of Sudhu. But, before sleeping, I felt a presence, his presence. I have no words to qualify that, He must be laughing looking at me and wanna say, kya re Bachchan, mere ko yaad kar raha hai,,bas kya..I am very happy and looking after you.Yes, Sudhu, I know you are here and I know that whenever I go through a tough time, you will send your blessings. I just need to close my eyes and say a small prayer. You are here forever and ever: Sending your love. Dude, send some more love and vibrations.
We shared good vibes and that's why we became friends. The cosmic energy that we share is intact and I know that you have entered your energy body. You taught me so many things about life and existence. The need to be myself and stand out in the crowd. Sometimes, your absence gets too me and this week, I was trying to reason with myself. Deep down, I know that you are still very much present among us, sending love and sharing happiness. Whenever, I faces any problem, I think of you. You must be negotiating happiness with the Almighty and it will be sent just in time You must be saying: Dude, dekha maine vaada nibhaya.
I am missing you. I know that it's your way of telling, mere ko yaad kar, Hamesha, I have not gone anywhere man and I'm still very much present with you. Sudhu bhai, mine being quiet for the whole day and thinking of the good times we spent together, having daaru, chai aur cigarettes gives me an inner peace. I do get emotional at times, thinking that it's been six years now.I know six fucking years that you chose to enter the 'energy' world. You chose to continue your life in a world completely different from the world I am living. You shall continue to  travel and enjoy being with the angels, having a whisky, dude.
I know that we will meet again. When I enter the 'energy' world, you will be the first one to welcome me. Kya re Bachchan! aagaya tu..daaru piyega. Dude! We shall booze and have lotsa fun like we once used to have in the other world. Till then njoy and continue your journey. One more thing, send some love from time-to-time in my life. I know you are sitting here and smiling. Gosh! I am feeling your presence again. Now, I am feeling better. I know that the love is being sent. Say hi to Dad and bhaiya. Chalo then, bhau..miltey hai. Haan! Promise..well, you know what no need to spell it here..and ya you remember that chick on that evening....hahhah lol...

Thinking of the wonderful moments spent together over..
Sutta, Imperial Blue whisky, cigarette aur chai..
Feeling very emotional nowadays.
Thinking of you, dude.
Tis your way of saying you are visiting and saying Hi in your majestic style.
Like the Greek god, you conquered.
Those reading this might think that I am nuts.
Of course, I am not..
But, they won't understand..let it be..
Getting in the trance and back in the life.
Life is beautiful.
You led a beautiful life here, Sudhu bhai and there as well..Njoy it.
Send some love and magic.
Visit again..
Who said that you are not here?
I know that you are with us and will be forever.
You have reached the immortal existence.
You are superior to ordinary mortals like.
You are and always be with me.
There is  a smile on my face now.

Love as always, Sudhu bhai

Happy birthday, dude. Wassup?

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Celebrating your birthday, dear friend.
It seems as if everything happened yesterday.
It's been 5 years when you left all of us and went into your world.
Tears has stopped flowingas we made peace with your not being.
Still remember when I received the news that you are no more, life suddenly stopped.
It was unfair.
I was like how and why?
Life is strange and death being a part of life is stranger.
How can one explain that the person we care for is with us at one moment.
Yet, the next moment the body and flesh is no more.
Only fond memories remains.


Hey folks, today is the budday of my buddy, Sudhendhu. He is no more with us. He drowned at the Khadakvala dam in Pune. That was in 2006. How time flies!!! Today, I am recollecting the wonderful times spent together and it feels like we are having a whisky together, sharing a cup of chai and a smoke. These were the times. But, wound heals over time. One comes to terms with the absence of someone in life.
This was the time when I seriously questioned life, death and the presence of God as well. Does life really exist or it is a metaphor? The theory of existence, if holds ground doesn't need to deal unpleasant surprises to our state of being.  How do we know that we exist or ceased to exist? Does  
the air we breath is ample proof of our existence as human entities? Answers soughts.
With the passage of time, I made an effort to speak to his soul and it gives me peace. It also helped towards the realization that Sudhendhu is still presence among us. Trust me on that count, it takes away the grief.
Today it's his birthday and he would have been present among us. We wished him on Facebook and will scrap him in a while on Orkut. Spoke to him and I felt his presence and the good vibes. Once someone told me that whenever we think of the loved ones who are no more, we become closer to them and they reciprocate the feeling. Whenever, we go through turbulent phase in lfe, they send us the blessings and unexpected help. How I wish it was true! I know it's true.


Happy birthday dude.
Let's raise a toast to your well-being?
Wassup in the sky?
Neways, when the time is ripe to join you, we shall continue the much animated discussion.
Time off,buddy.
Have a blast.
Catch up soon.






 

I AM WHAT I AM

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I am. This is my truth of my existence in this world.
Born wild, ever-ready to challenge the ways of the world.
So many tried to challenge my thought-process and change my way of living.
I was perceived as a threat to their existence.
They tried to impose moral discipline since they feared that their self-imposed society's rules may not b e upheld.
But, that's the way I am.
I cho0se to live the life of a hippie.
I choose to be care-free and experiment in life.
I am.
This is my identity.
Don't ever try to question my identity.
I'm gonna placate you and put you to where you rightfully belong.
I am following my passions not yours.
It's my choice to be a writer.
I don't have any problem if you want your son or daughter to be a doctor or engineer.
I don't have the least of problem that your own kin are not following their heart.
Why should you have a problem with me?
It's my Life.
I live my life on my own terms and without fear of society judging me.
I don't live my life according to your definition of God's standard.
Nor to your definition of scholarly religious standard.
I just wanna be myself.
This is the beauty of 'Being Me.'
I know, I am aware,
I am a non-conformist.
This hurts your ego so much and you resort to all sorts of craps like morality, religion.
Then what's good or evil. moral or immoral?
Do you have a bench mark for that?
Who decided that what I am doing is immoral and what you are doing is moral?
It's my life.
I am what I am.
Love me. loathe me.
I am what I am.
Deeply individualist, egoistic and flouting rules.
I am what I am.
You cannot change reality.
This is ME reality.
Nobody can change that.
This is the TRUTH.
My TRUTH.

God on hot seat-Part 1

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

Anuja Rathi wrote an awe-inspiring post where she set a test paper of 22 questions to God. It gave me inspiration here as I quizz God on the state of being and seek my answers to the Great Almighty.Here you are God and be ready to brace yourself to my interrogations. Dunno whether I will get my much sought answers.

God, God, you are the Great Almighty. You are omnipotent, omniscience and the one people turn to in times of needs. My first question: Why do you always test my patience when it comes to my dreams and things I want to achieve in life?Why should I reason with myself that things will come my way and that I should never be impatient and that this is what you have planned in store for me?

Secondly, Why is that I should wait for a very long time and when I feel the time has come and things goes as planned, you play the spoilsport as I sadly witness everything goes awry?

Thirdly, why is that I never find love in life and I end up getting disappointed in my relationships. Every time, I reason with myself that she wasn't meant to be and with this hope I embark in a new relationship. You seem to tell me that I cannot get everything in Life and she wasn't meant to be? If she wasn't why you taught me to love her so much and put my everything at stake?

That's number four: Why is there so much sufferings, amidst war, pain, famine and diseases in life? If you were really God and so perfect as they claim, then such kind of sufferings shouldn't take place. Then, should I assume that you are limited in form, character and power and that there is another super and supreme power who is sitting above you. Certainly, you cannot be all that powerful. If you were, you could have prevented terrorists attacks and save the life of so many innocent lives-children, women and bread earners.

Question no 5: I know that I should do good and kind deeds in Life. I was taught and believe that I should be a good human being. Why is that the human agents to whom I am good do not always return my kind deeds and they can be mean sometimes. Ya!Ya! I know what you may chose to tell: Never expect anything in return. Please! Don't shoot back with the same old, boring and classic lecture. Frankly, speaking I am quite bored of this lackadaisical answer.

Question no.6: Now, this one is very important and most personal: Why is it that my confidence which was upbeat at one time has shrinked and is stumbling further. Why is it that I lose it so often?Me who was always proud of the confidence I achieve. From someone who lacked confidence, I was bestowed with so much confidence and now it seems that you are taking it away from me. But, however you are, I won't let you take my confidence away from me. The day I let it happen, I cease being myself. Better, you get it, this time.

Seventh Question: Why do you like it so much when people revere you and places their soul in your lap? Does it satisfy your ego and take it on you that you will avert any form of calamities for some time. It boost your ego and power, isn't it?You feel like saying see, I can unleash my power to destroy the world if I want to? You tend to become so arrogant, na?

Don't give me this fed up or your wisdom look.Here comes Question no.8:
Why I am so confused about Life and unable to decide what to do? It happens several times and keep happening. Why I feel like an emotional fool sometimes and erase the element of rationality in my mind. Since I am your creation, you should be able to answer that, right?

Number 9: Anuja said it rightly. When do I know when to speak my mind and when not to? At the risk of hurting someone I may not or at the risk of people keeping it against me and may well manipulate against me, I chose not to, again. Dunno what your answer shall be.

Number 10: Why do I suffer from mental blockage several times?
Whenever I sit to write a post or a short story and when I feel I have an idea, I tend to suffer from mental blockage. Are you playing mischief?

Number 11: Why is it so difficult to assert one's individuality in a society blinded by religious prejudices, deep rooted morality and dogma?
I leave this one to you?

Question No 12 is in your face? I challenge your authority. Are you really God and c'mom dude or dudette, prove your existence?
I may attempt to question your own existence. First thing first: Why do people fight over you over the names Ram, Allah and Jesus arguing a part of you is better than the other. Why people is ready to kill in the name of religion, albeit your name as you remain a silent, helpless spectator to that? Well, over to you, Dear God.

Question No.13: What are you thinking right now? Did I shook you the hard way?
Come on answer me. At least I did. After bearing so much, it's a small victory. But, I mean no disrespect as I seek some answers which are largely justified.

Back to me:
Question No 14: Why sometimes I feel that my life is so uncertain?
At some point, I no longer have the urge to fight the demons of Life. To be frank, I am so fed up and uncertain whether I will be able to achieve the stuffs I planned for. I mat chose to turn to you but many times I don't.

Question no 15: Money hai to Honey Hai: Does it sounds true? When will have the moolah so that I will be able to afford holidays and take my mom along to visit places, buy things of my choice without finding a hole in my pocket. Will I have sufficient money so that I can work for myself and not depend on an outside jobs, buy an apartment sea face and buy my favourite car. You will tell me this is materialistic. Well, it is. Are you not materialistic?

Question No 16: Where do you stay God?
In my heart. Well then you should provide for all my answers.

And the barrage of Questions ends here God. Feeling suffocated? Take a chill pill coz the second one will come soon. See ya God. Hope next time you will come prepared and give my answers. I am impatient.

Have a gud day, God