Wild entry Sooraj Bharjatya in Big Boss, making it a Parivaar show

This written post is aimed to tickle your funny bones and is an imaginative take on Sooraj Barjatya in the Big Boss House. It's a fun take and means no offence to anyone.

It's better to sleep over books than watching Big Boss this season with contestants like Mandana, Prince and Rochelle giving heart attack to everyone. As if Rimi Sen was not enough for the world to run away from her. Super host Salman Khan is scratching his head wondering how to pep up the show with a new wild card entry.

Scratching his grey..oops matters makes some music twinkle at the back of his head. Salman is trying to recall where he heard the song that he is hating now. He hopped on his feet and starting humming. 'Prem Ratan Dhan Payo.' He smiled and started speaking to himself, so what it's crap..this Prem Ratan  many hated. At least, I got Dhan It's pay back time on Big Boss. Holy crap! The guy gave me a break on the screen and I gonna return the favor on Big Boss. Sooraj Barjatya will be the star attraction and wild card entry. Let him irritate them to no end with his bull shit 90s philosophy of Parivaar, conspiracy and be a loving man hell bent to destroy romance, intimacy, cuss words and shouting on the show. Sooraj will increase the TRP.

Let the music play. The contestants woke up to a medley of songs, Prem Ratan Dhan Payo, Hum Saath Saath Hai and Wah wah Ramji, in the morning. A shadow emerged with a big tilak on the forehead, rimmed spectacles and dressed in dhoti, singing a bhajaan. It's Sooraj Barjatya, the new wild card entry.

The fight started in no time after BB contestants touched Sooraj's feet and take his darshan for some dhan to win the show. After all, Prem Ratan Dhan Payo minted crores. Rochelle and Mandana tore into each other's hair after doing the belly dancing, almost dropped everything to seduce the men who ignored them, more interested to get a role in Sooraj next. So what, they will do the usual bull shit in becoming saintly men and playing upright patriarch, going high on traditional family values a la Sanskari Babu, Alok Nath. The race is on: Sanskari Babu has been caught in an uncompromising position with a bimbo-cum-starlet in a car. BB contestants are leaving no stone untouched to become Sankari and pure desi ghee.

The show's TRP is boosted every week, taking India by storm listening to the two piece gyaan by Sooraj on how to keep the family together. BB is a united family based on our cultural values, he says. Contestants have stopped fighting and are often seen sitting in satsang. It has become the new Parivaar show, lighting agarbatti every hour. The audience is glued to their screen watching Sooraj wisdom, "BB has become a big united family where there is no room for jealousy but only devotion. Everyone is a couple but without lust where the women touches the men feet, addressing them as Swami," the spiritual film maker reflects.

Sooraj is planning to make a sequel to Prem Ratan Dhan Payo meeting Vivaah inside the Big Boss House with all the contestants. There is no room for lust or intimacy but only pure love with everyone wearing traditional clothes and dressed from top to toe. Sooraj says every man attracted to a woman in the show must be like brothers and sisters. He told Salman Khan that the show will no longer be called double trouble and he has already composed 40 songs, that will be shot every 20 minutes. The film maker is on  to beat Bahubaali with the film being 9 hours long. There will be Kapalbhati and whenever someone is getting into fighting mode, he or she will be met with silence, a bit like him in real life. Mandana will play the damsel in distress, shouting 'Naahin!! Naahin! Heard Rimi will make her comeback in a special appearance playing the vamp who just refuse to do anything but sitting like a statue.

There will only be devotional talks in BB, spreading love, devotion and prayers on how rich our Sanskaar is. As a rule, contestants are wearing lungis, super expensive saris and over the top make up and jewelery. No non veg food is allowed inside the house but only Bhojan cooked inside by the contestants.

Our Prem is fearing of losing his dhan now since he cannot give it back to the contestants during the weekend. He is already invoking the Gods on why he roped in Sooraj Bharjatya inside the house and regrets of doing Prem Ratan Dhan Payo. His bad boy turned tough task master image is taking a beating. Salman Khan wants to whip Sooraj and contestants-turned-devotees, on the ass.

The music started playing inside the House, getting louder and louder blaring into Sooraj's ears. He almost fainted, seeing Kim Kardshian making a grand entry, wearing nothing on her. She winks at Sooraj. He could only get the time to pack few of the belongings and stormed out of the house, murmuring, "Tauba! Tauba! So dirty! All my efforts to make Parivaar films has gone to waste. And, my Prem! He dared doing that to me. I need to purify my eyes and will take a dip into Ganga."

Host Salman Khan is sitting and laughing like a child, proud that he has been able to restore BB sanctity and purity from the devil eyes of Sooraj Barjatya. Once a virgin, dies a virgin, he naughtily whispers. No more Prem for me, only Dhan.

Ban Bandh Na Raha

We are a nation that has re-discovered itself and giving a new definition to Alice in Wonderland cum the Great Discovery of Amreeka like Christopher Columbus. The new age Columbus has found a precious stone, a gem, called BAN which they are taking seriously. The stone is polished and turned into law. First, there was bandh and now there is ban.

Our learned men and women, in their wisdom will soon decide to hit the cudgel minus the stone to ban everything in life. After all, it's becoming a national past time to protect the Great Indian Culture since we are so sanskari. They will ban the word Fuck because no should enjoy a goddamn fuck. Ban the fuck itself and stop enjoying orgasm, pleasure and procreating. Ban life itself. Let's polish this precious gem to go back to stone age. Life was much simpler, isn't it?!

Did I say eating beef gives me sensual and orgasmic pleasure? After all, I am banned for eating beef?! Why just beef? Pork, buffalo, cattle. Let's ban meat products. Yet, we won't ban assaults on innocent people, minorities, illegal conversions, ransacking newsrooms and cabbies. Ban your words when you insult Mother Theresa and the rubbish spawned on us.

Movies, books, stand up comedy, people!! Ahem Ahem, the list is tiring to our minds and thoughts. Ban the film on Nirbhaya, did I hear it correctly? I do have issues with the film being made on account of glamorizing a rapist or making him heroic for that matter, one question that plague me like my laptop virus going on a destruction spree is that whether I am considered adult enough to choose what is right or wrong for me to watch. Welcome to the new age Talibanism the Hindutva way?! Dumb fucks, let people decide and formulate their opinions on the film.

Samaaj ke thekedar or the monopoly of thoughts are the ones deciding to jerk off to someone or something. After all, what right have we to decide? See. we are vegetative beings who lack the mental and moral faculty to decide what to do with our lives. Of course, film, food, books should be banned. It's against Hindu or Indian culture. It will wreck havoc on our lives. Choosing to eat beef at our risk and we get 10 years in jail. Ban jail!! No,never Ever. Ban religion. Who am I kidding? I should be sent to asylum for losing my mental faculty. 

I shall take Sanyasi and take a dip at the Ghat at Varanasi, meditating on the bans I am subjected to. The word 'Ban' will be enshrined in beads to count every single element on what went wrong in my life. O! Mother Ganga! I shall sit and admire the soulful and gentle flow of water to knock some sense in my mind, atone for my sins of eating beef and violating the sanctity of religion. See, beef is immoral and the animals should revere,pleading for forgiveness for coming into this world to pollute our great culture.

Long Live the ban. Jai Hind! Jai Maharashtra! Ban Bandh Na Raha! Beef Beef Na Raha! Freedom of expression and artistic expression Na Raha! Hail the custodians and guardians of morality. Stop making films and having sex for its banned. Don't you know! It's breaking news.

Ban Bandh! I say!

Vishal

The new face of Sanskari mouth Condom

The condom makers are training their radar for a brand ambassador, boasting a unique appeal, for their newly minted elastic condom. thinly designed like balloons. Move over Ranbir Kapoor. Gone are the days when Deepika would have gifted his ex beau a pack of condoms to do the obvious.

Image credit: Google

See! The newly designed condom is very Sanskari in mind and soul. It's use? Fully functional to be inserted in the mouth, similar to water balloons to blow like trumpets during Shehnai and mind you, on the lines of breath alcohol test, pumping with morality. Who better than BJP good doctor and medically sane, Dr Harsh Vardhan posing as its brand ambassador? The doc fits the bill of embracing his new role as brand ambassador with his endearing and proven versatile talent of foot-in-the-mouth. You wanna have sex for fun or procreating? The new brand ambassador of the mouth condom will come on TV with an exclusive to be most viewed ad, telling, abstain from sex and put the balloon, oops, condom, in your mouth. Humana Bharat Humana sanskar, shuddh desi sanskar ab iss ka prachar kiijiye aur mann ka anand lijiye.

See, the new condom is already creating ripple of waves on the market much before it is being manufactured on a mass scale. Our new politician turned brand ambassador shot to fame claim that sex is immoral and sex education should be banned. An ejaculation given new twist and shape, read, pure mind masturbation for the purpose of wiping out crudity and vulgarity polluting our unblemished Indian culture.

AB bechare Alok Nath kya karenge? Hawan karenge hawan karenge, aur kya! Our original poster boy of sanskar has competition now from the Doc Harsh Vardhan. Wah kya kya seekhate hai doc in your medical school? Now with such a learned doc, Aids will be banned from every nook and corner of the world be it, Asia, Africa, Americas and Europe. Last heard, the doc will hold seminars in Mumbai's red light areas, kamathipura and Congress House..oops no lesson to the grand ole' party on sexual abstinence.

All condom ads, read the sizzling Moods condom will be thrown out of the window as Dr Harsh Vardhan will occupy prime advertising slot on TV. Now, who needs condom ads when the new mouth condom with adds on in the form jingle bell the doc way on our idiot box?

ABCD we are done with, SEX, the three letter word to be banned and too much gandi baat, you see, Shahid and Sonakshi..we will only have sanskari baat, as good and morally upright kids. You see, in India sex is bad and we will top the world with zero Aids. That's called control the genius way Dr Harsh Vardhan running for the Nobel prize.

And the award for the best and morally clean condom, free of stint and for promoting Indian values in the land of Kamasutra goes to Dr Harsh Vardhan. Super creative brand ambassador for mouth condom blowing our minds.