2015-01-08

Hunting for Perfection: Saas, Bahu aur Mamma's Boy

Picture credit: FB friend, Neha's wall. Reproduced with permission.

Guess, who said that?!! Mommy-ji of course, bride hunting for Kunwar, the charming prince, who will take care of her in the good old age. Momma boy, need a bride. Of course, not! He doesn't need one. Maa needs a Bahu. Worried that the 'bechara beta' may die without a bride. Who will carry the lineage forward? Of course, the only 'waaris' in the 'Khandani Parivar'. 
See! Who will make tea, lunch and dinner at home? Performing the religious rites, sacrificing food and Karwa Chauth throughout the year, of course, cleaning the house and souls purifying the 'Ganga-like' household? Of course, the dutiful and domesticated daughter-in-law, pressing 'Saasu Maa' legs while she plonks herself on the couch, the helicopter like fan rolling in the air to provide her respite from the excruciating heat. 'Saasu Maa' need to guard herself from the heat that a modern, educated daughter-in-law may lash on her.
Maa is worried bout the tattoo on 'Bahu' dearest body. Log kya kahenge? Feminist, no way!!! Traditional Brahmin not eating chicken and beef raw, yes!!! Nah!! She will not dance on the table to the tune of Kamli, aspiring to be Deepika Padukone, flaunting her abs or questioning the Saas way of doing things at home. No arguing or questioning religious beliefs. Way to go!! That's like my Baahu. In Saasu Maa universe, boozing or late night party, is out of question. What if the Baahu is having an orgy of sort with her gang of girls?! Don't tell, Saasu Maa. She will die of a heart attack. Nahin!!!! Nahin!!!!! What will the Samaaj say? Boozing among her English-speaking friends is simply out of question for the Mother-in-laws of the world. 
Ladies, are you planning to apply with your decorated CV to join this household? Chuck out your job description!!!! serving beer in the five-star hotel, one-time hooker, Ganja smoking or hitting the guy who made a pass at you with the helmet. Stop arguing for any flimsy reasons, ladies or else, at your own peril, you shall remain (Un) Happily Married. At your own risks for torturing this morally uptight mother-in-law. See! She wanna see a mirror image of her own younger self in you.
You are too westernized for her own exquisite taste of what a Baahu should be like. You must wash the dishes, make tea for the husband, wait for Pati Parmeshwar to have dinner before you eat, press and touch his feat and, of course, have sex only if Paati-dev wants to. Of course, he will ask Mommy-ji permission and mind you, if she says it's 'Paap', you'll keep longing for some thrill and adventure on bed. Saasu Maa is the one who decides when and if it's not for procreation, you are doomed. Sensual pleasure is sin with this Saasu-Maa. She will consult her astrologers or pay a visit to Baba Ramdev before both of you get under the white sheet. Don't ever think to buy the 'balloon' to make Pati-dev wear. It's the biggest sin you will commit and if Saasu-Maa ever gets to know, your room must be cleaned. Then? Haawan Karenge, Haawan Karenge!!
Yeh Bandhan toh Pyar Ka Bandhan..Janmon ka Bandhan Hai!!! You see, Sir!! Huge circle of friends shall be kept at bay kyon ki marriage is about the union between two souls, never mind the kitty party of bitching about the 'Baahu Rani.' O! Womaniya!!! Feminist, too western in outlook, English Vinglish or fighting for a social cause, you are dead. Our Bhaiya-ji is 37-something baby, the chairman waiting for Mamma call in office to check if he had breakfast or lunch, seeking her blessing to chair meeting. Shubbh Mahurat! Don't you forget that you gotta plan well with this hubby of yours, 'Aaji Sunte ho.'
Planning for a baby or paying your bills cum starting a new venture. Don't forget to check your stars first. Shubbh Mahurat matters and, of course, taking Saasu-Maa's blessings. Any takers for this proposal, ladies? Chuckle! I think, I am going to die if my Mom ever post this kind of ad on my behalf or without permission.   Waise Mommy-ji!!! Have you ever consulted Smriti-ji? Kyon ki Saas Kabhi Bhi Bahu Thi. I bet you are the chuddi buddy of Ekta Kapoor. Sakshi Maharaj, I am telling you must be remotely related to this classic Mom that would give Nirupa Roy and Raakhee a complex. Mere Karan Arjun aayenge.
A last question before I go: Have you considered taking insurance for Beta-ji? I am just asking coz insurance is a matter of solicitation. How bout' a legally binding contract for the son and his would-be-newly wed wife? Just letting you know, I am not bride hunting.
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