Divorcing Over Sushi: Episode 13

We were sitting in the room, watching TV and fighting over the remote like kids straight from kindergarten. Sushmi started cribbing, "Who fights over the remote like a school kid? You and your Cricket matches, I tell you men can never change. They keep watching some stupid cricket matches for the whole day. Who does that?"
I was aghast and said, "Oh! Wow! And, you not fighting kya to watch your Koffee with Karan. What's up with those stupid socialites, spilling the beans on their private lives. Gosh! Women, I can never understand them." I have fired the salvo and Sushmi is more than ready to take on me for daring speak a word against women. We are in for the great Hum Tum fight.
She stood on the bed like a politician and raises her hand, "I dare you speak one word against women."
I was in the mood, "Women."
She stood, with both hands on her waist and burst out laughing, rolling on the bed.
"So, Mister, you are scared of me?" she asked, non-chalantly.
"Why would I?" I started defending myself.
"Arre! Stop pretending. You said only, Women. Adi!! You are not funny and looks like a monkey."
I was making faces of monkey.
She slapped me on the hand and was smiling. Sushmi was at her charming best and love it when she displays her innocence. I fell in love with this cute face and I find it funny that I have a crush on my legally married wife. Fuck! I gotta woo her again like a teenager. And, I hate it.
She grabbed the remote from my hand and forced me to watch Koffee with Karan and held my hand, "Arre! let's watch na and stop being a bore." I didn't want to say No to her coz I don't wanna us to shed another 50 grands to some lawyer, telling we are divorcing over Karan Johar after the famous Sushi. I am imagining us sitting in court and asking for divorce on account of KJO and just imagine, how people will react to that. Just imagine how the media will react if they happen to know. We will be termed about the most ridiculous couple of the year.
When the show ended, I breathe easy and she switched off the TV. I was like, "What yaar!"
She pretended to be innocent, "Oh! You wanted to watched cricket, acha sorry."
I muttered, "It's ok."
Sushmi was in no mood to let me off the hook for telling something about women. "Waise! I am not done with you, yet. What did you say about women? What do you, men, think? You will say anything to women and we will remain mute spectators and comply with this stupid, Pati Parmeshwar or Maryada Purush."
I was like, "Oh! No! Where the conversation is going?"
She was adamant, "The conversation is going in the right direction and I don't understand why you men associate us with some TV shows or those stupid, Saas, Bahu. I know you make jokes about us watching soap operas."
I defended myself, "But, what did I say?"
"Not you, right now. But, many of the brainless species belonging to your breed."
"Oh! No!"
"Oh! Yes! Mister!
"Listen, Sushmi! I am in no mood to argue with you over women stuffs. This is the problem, you girls are so.."
"What..we are so..please complete your sentence."
"Nah! let it be."
"Why are you so scared? Complete what you have started. Do you lack the guts?"
"Okay! You women are so unpredictable and complex. One can never know where they can attack you and for something, harmless."
"See!!! You are like all men and call us complex. You, men, keep generalizing and label women as complex. What about you guys? You can keep sulking and when we ask what's bothering you, you just say nothing and crib in a corner. Did anyone tell you that guys are so boring with their cricket matches and typical masala 'Bollywood' brainless, mad capers."
"At least, we don't take loads and watch brainless, entertaining flicks."
And, as I thought that the insane but fun fight was reaching its height, she smiled and said, "See! I won." Sushmita was yelling, "Yeah! Baby! I won and you lost."
I protested and said, "I wanna shut your mouth."
She was giggling and jumping on the bed. I ran after her in the room and held her hand. I smooched her. She smiled, "Please tell me what you just did."
I replied, naughtily, "I had to shut your mouth. You were yelling."
She tried to appear non affected and blurted out, "See! You men are all the same. It's just a smooch which is normal and doesn't prove your manliness."
We threw pillows on each other and cuddled each other. 


Divorcing Over Sushi: Episode 12

We reached the Supreme Court at Fort at 10 a.m. I was sweating profusely, not because of the excruciating heat in Mumbai but of the stress on meeting lawyer Shinde. There are several, 'What Ifs?" in my mind and the mind is raging against the actions we are going take. I abhor signing on the dotted papers, 'Divorce by Mutual Consent.' I feel a rush of adrenaline as I excused myself from Sushmita to buy a cigarette. Smoking helps me beat the stress. I have realized, No! I don't want to excuse myself from the marriage and I have realized that Sush and, not the marriage, means a lot to me. At least, I will have someone to fight with rather than speaking and fighting against the empty but deserted room.
I joined Sush back who was waiting and we walked past the crowd making a beeline to meet lawyers, converting their mobile cars into office on the street. I stared at the Maruti vans where a bored secretary was sitting and the lawyer smoking a cigarette. Susmita turned and dragged me towards the building, "What are you doing, Adi? I mean, you are mad and our appointment is in the plush office with Shinde as we reached the elevator." Shinde is one of the biggest divorce lawyer in Mumbai and I was surprised to see horde of staff, sexy secretaries storming their way and, of course, glamorous junior lawyers dressed in Black skirts and saree. I forgot that I was with my wife to meet a divorce lawyer, for a while. 
The secretary nodded to us and made sign with her hand for us to sit on the maroon cushy sofa where one could easily sleep peacefully. I gaped at the luxurious office which is nothing short of a five star hotel and we were brought coffee and biscuit on a tray of gold. Sushmita smiled, "It's cool, na." I dipped the Britannia biscuit in the coffee and said, "I bet your lawyer gonna charge us a lot." She looked around the office and said furtively, "Let's see!"
The secretary asked us to go inside as Shinde is ready to receive us. We entered the air conditioned plush room, adorned with a painting of MF Hussain, sofa lounge, coffee machine as Shinde got up to greet us. The lawyer is in his 50s, dressed in a black suit and is a tall, well-built guy who could easily pass off as a hero from a Hollywood movie.
Sushmita said, "Hi, Mr Shinde, I'm Sushmita and this is my husband, Aditya. We are planning for a divorce and wondered you could help us."
Shinde appeared shocked and looks confused. He regained his composure and said, "Well, normally couple on a divorce come separately. But, you guys doesn't really look unhappy."
I was silently praying that Shinde would do some good, selfless job of counselling us not to go ahead.
Sushmita spoke of the Sushi which accounts for the reason for split in our world and how I hate her favorite food. She told Shinde that she cannot bear my boring Punjabi thali.
Shinde adjusted his tie and spoke, "I mean, are you guys sure that you want to file a divorce on differences in food? Honestly, it's the first time I am meeting a couple coming together and looking so much in love. It's a first in my successful career as a lawyer and I hate losing a case on account of such weak case. Please think again since I can assure you that the judge will quash the case on the first hearing."
Sushmita received a bolt from the blue and was fidgeting with her hand. She normally does this when somebody hurts her ego and she cannot take No for an answer. I was secretly having fun and wanted to pounce on Shinde to give him a tight hug. "Thank you, Shinde," I wanted to say. Everybody has a hero and today Shinde emerged as one.
The lawyer escorted us till the door. We drove back home without uttering a word and we both knew the reason for our silence. It was a blunder we made as we shed 40,000 rupees for this stupid counselling. Of course, I wasn't complaining since Sushmita paid with her credit card. Yes! I can be shameless with money. As we entered the house, Sushmita let the cat out of the bag, "Dude! You gotta gimme back half of the money since both of us wanted a divorce." I said ok but so wanted to say, "I, no longer, want a a divorce." Sushmita let out, "I am feeling bad to take money from you but you know, na, how it is."
I didn't reply to that. I felt like dancing and, thank God, for lawyers like Shinde who claimed their fees on listening to our mushy mushy reason for divorce. I can only think of Jim Carrey, lawyers liars but this one quite honest with his advice. I am thanking my stars for upsetting Sushmi's balance since I'm sure she will not bug me with lawyer advise after ended paying 40,000, which I obviously have no plan to give 20,000 bucks.


Divorcing over Sushi: Episode 11

We woke up late in the afternoon and the whole house was abuzz with excitement, loud laughing therapy among the elders. The house was nothing less than a jamboree with loud relatives in 50s and 60s yelling and sounding like a pale version of music breaking our ear lobes. It feels like we were in a wedding ceremony.
It made us so unhappy since we were looking for our personal space in our abode of peace. The loud aunty took the lead and made me and Sushmita sit together, as if we were craving for her attention. She was serenaded by the irritating husband, smoking his pipe and trying hard to emulate Al Pacino in Godfather. It sounds like a big family reunion with hordes of relatives mushrooming out of nowhere. The couple that we were looked at each other, confused and red with anger. We wanted to get out of the house or kick out the noisy relatives. We tried our best to smile. Pammy aunty pinched our cheek hard, "So, dulha aur dulhan, when is the good news coming?" We looked at each other. The irritating aunty laughed so hard that I was persuaded that she would get a role in Chucky's bride. She pressed the hand of Sushmita, "Uff! Bano mat! I know you've been to Lonavla for a second honeymoon and see how you are glowing. When is the baby coming out? After all, I'm waiting to be called Dadi and your parents are longing for a grand child."
This latest version of Chucky's bride always need to say the wrong thing at the wrong time. Now, I pray when the divorce happen, she gets a heart attack and die on the spot. The pale version of Al Pacino had to poke his bloody noise, as if Pammy aunty was not enough. He sat on the sofa with his legs crossed and started with his moral sermon, "You have to realize that your parents are not becoming young. After all, a sukhi parivaar need to enjoy the joy of being doting grand parents to a cute baby boy or baby girl. You guys have been married for long and what will society say? You need to plan for a child." I wanted to strangle this asshole of a kind with the pillow lying on the couch. Now, the noisy relatives were irritating us.
Finally, I was so happy that Sushmita was doing the talking. "Actually, uncle and aunty. We are happy enjoying each other's company and don't intend planning for a child. We just don't have time to have a child."
Pammy aunty pretended to be offended, "What? You guys don't care about your future and parents. We need our children to grow up, be healthy and take care of us in old age." The idiotic husband added, "See, if you don't have a children now when you are young, you will see what will happen. The time you'll reach 50, your kids will turn 18 and leave you guys for university at the time you will need them." Pammy had to add her bit when we were both burning with anger, "This is the problem with young and modern couples in city and they don't care for our traditional values and culture. Don't be like them, my children. Having children is the best thing that should happen for a young, married couple and we have followed this tradition since times immemorial. We have always followed our ancestral values."
The fat Pammy walked clumsily and suddenly shouted showing her hand towards the balcony door facing the road, "Here." We all looked around and thought that something happened. "You know, Sapna aunty's daughter has three children after just two years after her marriage."
I had to break this nonsense and said shamelessly, "Acha! Pammy aunty! Tell me one thing? Your daughter is 30 na and still you haven't found anybody for her. Aur kya hua! I heard your son's wife left him after just three months of marriage." I just dropped a bomb and Sushmita was tried hard to contain her smile. The house went silent for a while and our parents were shell-shocked. Pammy and her hunk type Al Pacino type of husband didn't know where to look. Mom and Dad gave me the Are-You-Not-Ashamed kinda look, aise koi bolta hai bade se?". I had the last laugh and the irritating couple had to be shut down and made to swallow their gyaan kinda lecture.


Divorcing Over Sushi- Episode 10

Sushmita was surprised to see me bringing her bed tea and tray full of biscuits when she woke up. She wrapped her head in a thick bed sheet and spoke in barely audible voice, "You bringing tea and that too, so early. Pehle! You never did that." I sat on the chair and smiled. Something was happening to me and I don't know what we call that. Is it a change in mood due to the new Monsoon season at Lonavla? I have been experiencing weird feeling between the time I went to bed and woke up. So many things is playing spoilt sport to our divorce and now, I am not sure that I am party to the breaking up.Perhaps, why I stole Sush's sushi.
She jumped out of the bed and run towards the kitchen where I could hear some frantic noise where vessels were making some music, 'Look for me Baby.' I wondered whether Sushmita dreams of Sushi in her sleep. I hear her shouting for me, "Adi! Adi! Come here." I pretend to be on phone and she stormed in the room. She was yelling, "Where is my Sushi? Where the fuck has the food gone?" It spell trouble for me, and, obviously, I cannot take it out of my stomach to give it back to my so-called better half with whom I drive all the way from Mumbai to discuss peaceful divorce, amidst some creamy and thrilling sex session, in Lonavla.
I tried my level best to act funny, "Look for it well, it's not inside kya. May be you have eaten everything coz you are Sushi obsessed." I made an innocent face like a two-year-old." Sushmita lowers the tone of voice and said, "No! Mister! I remember very well that I left some since I wanted to have it in the morning. Why do you lie? It sucks and you know that I was looking forward to have some in the morning."
I smile and said, "Arre, yaar! I was feeling hungry and now you are angry for such a small thing. It's just food, yaar."
She looks at me straight into the eyes to show that she was upset. "Listen! It's not a question of you eating the food, yaa. Remember, I offer to share the food but you said that you don't want to have. I assumed that you will not have it since you hate Sushi and was looking to have it in the morning. It's just not right." She turned and walked away from the room.
I have never been able to understand this woman who can get angry with a small thing as Sushi. One can never know how she will react and change her mood depending on I don't know what. Still, she is my wife and I am falling in love over and over again. I never thought that in my widest dream that I would eat something that I hate, Sushi and I will fall in love with someone at the time we were plotting for divorce. We are here to discuss our divorce strategy and I am in love with her. I don't want to let her go now and, not even in my wildest dream, I will let her go. But, how? I never thought that my married life will get so complicated.
She came back to the room and said, "Listen! Now, that you ate my Sushi, you gotta buy me some." She smiled and she has melted. "You were very hungry at night,na." I nodded sheepishly like a child. Sushmita smiles with a cho chweet. "Chalo! Let's go for food now," she gave me a peck on the cheek. I couldn't help falling in love with her. When you are in love with someone, you start loving everything she does, say or eat. You find the things that irritate you so cute and I wonder whether you are in love with the person or the moment.
On our way to the restaurant, Sushmita suddenly ask, "Adi!! Are you still angry, kya? Acha, sorry but it was not my intention to hurt you." She was speaking lovingly and ran her fingers on my face, "Say something, na." She can be sweet and can get away with crime easily. I said, "Nahin, yaar, I am not angry."
"Then, why are you so silent?" she asked calmly.
Now, how do I tell her I am in love with her again. I tried to avert her gaze, "I was thinking of something, actually."
"Then, tell na," she prodded.
We reached the restaurant. We ordered for food and was sitting at the table. She broke the silent and, by looking at her, I knew that she was suspicious about my silence. I was scared that she might get to know about the change in my behavior. Finally, she spoke, "I have decided that we need to speak to a lawyer since our reason for divorce is making it difficult for both of us to work it out. I just can't lie, yaar and I spoke to a lawyer. We have a meeting with him on Monday."
I got a jolt and my heart tanked. I couldn't react and bear to live without Sushmita. I muttered, "Theek hai! If you have decided what's the best option for both of us, we will go with that."
She smiled, "I'm still thinking what to tell our parents."
I suggested, "You know since divorce takes a long time, we can come up with a plan that we are going to UK for three months and set matters from there. We will not tell our parents anything and, the moment this lawyer of yours sort thing out, we shall come back.".
"Good idea," Sushmita said with a tinge of sadness on her face.
Yeh emotions, I tell you. It can really screw the most rational person and she is the one who thinks clearly between us. I am the most illogical one since I think with the heart.
We drove back to Mumbai during the afternoon. When we entered Mumbai, we were again greeted by traffic snarl but it was not raining this time. We almost forgot that it's 26 January, India's Republic Day celebration. Children were on the street, happily waving India's tricolor flag. Sushmita urged me to stop the car in the middle of the traffic as she jumped towards some street urchins and hugged them. She can be unpredictable and, till the time I parked the car, I saw her buying balloons and some pastries for the children. I never saw this Sushmita before and no matter how much I try to prevent it, I am falling in love with her. She held my hand and said, "They are very cute,na. Let's click some pictures with them." I couldn't say no as she grabbed a poor laborer who clicked the picture with her cell phone. She was in a jolly mood and told the guy, "Thank you, Bhaiyaa. Happy Republic Day."
We are planning to divorce each other but clicking picture with a huge smile on our faces. Nobody could say that we will live separately in the future. We reached home and were greeted by a horde of visitors. We made an excuse that we are tired and going to sleep. We hate meeting the irritating guests.  Sushmita dozed off on the bed and I can see a very happy and smiling face, lying on bed. I wasn't feeling sleepy and managed to sneak out of the house.
I watched Jab We Met alone at the mall and I needed the 'ME' time after how my life was suddenly changing. I have fallen in love with my wife and enjoying the candy floss romance in the theater, among romantic couples cuddling and whispering small nothing into each other's ears. I was yearning for Sushmi's presence by my side. I am missing her.


Divorcing Over Sushi-Episode 9

We set on a bumpy ride from Mumbai to Lonavla as the car keep stumbling on pot holes due to the heavy rains lashing in the city. It's been an hour and the car is moving still and dangling it's way in the city. I am getting pissed and wondering when on earth we are going to reach Lonavla to discuss divorce matters..well not just any kinda divorce but over Sushi.
As we drove in the traffic, 'Ajeeb Dastan hai yah, kahan shuru kahan khatam' was playing on Red FM and we burst off laughing. The song has something to do with our current married status and I was like, WTF!!!! Nobody even hum this song nowadays after faking an orgasm or after sex gone wrong. Sushmi slapped me on my right hand but I was laughing intentionally just to irritate her. It's damn tough to irritate her today since she is in a jovial mood. I wonder why and got the hint. Perhaps, she is up to something naughty and it's been racking my brain. The rain stopped abruptly as we were able to move out of Mumbai and sped on the highway. We reached Lonavla past midnight.
We checked in the guest house and we were sitting on the sofa, watching TV when the phone buzzed. It was Pinky Mausi who just happened to visit our home and she was told that we are in Lonavla. Oh No! Not again, I thought. It's the same irritating Pinky Mausi who pissed both of us at the wedding and nodded to her relationship advice in yes and no. I just wanted to thwart her nefarious concern about both and Sushmita. I said, "Haan! Mausi! She is sitting beside me and here, talk to her," as I threw the mobile like a tennis ball towards Sushmita's who grabbed it expertly. "Yes, Mausi!! No, we are not planning for the time being..Ok..Mausi, thank u, no problem..sure," Sushmita was pissed and wanted to get rid of her who wasn't willing to let go.
Sushmita gave me threatening look and just lashed, "You know, this Mausi of yours is so irritating. She just doesn't get and why the fuck you nicely passed the phone to me." I was having fun and just laughing at Sushmita who threw the pillow at me. I laughed, "What she asked?" Sushmita was not amused, "Don't ask!! When are we planning to make a baby???? Arrgg! We should make the most of Lonavla."
Pinky Mausi will always trouble us with her baby obsession and every time she meets us, she will go on and on on how important it is to have a child that will bring us happiness. I haven't seen such a funny situation. Here, we are plotting for a divorce and the time we reached, somebody just call to wish us happy honeymoon and baby-ing.
Suddenly, it started raining in Lonavla and we are confined to the guest house. Sushmita was the smartest and she already ordered Sushi, her favorite plate. This women, I'm sure, she harass air hostesses and stewards when she travel for Sushi and if she doesn't get it on air, she will raise a ruckus. It's past midnight and I can't get anything to eat. Thankfully, I bought some chikki on the way and guess, will do with that.
"Hey!" Sushmita called from the kitchen, "I'll keep some from you," She said mockingly, knowing very well that I hate Sushi. I said no and convinced her that my stomach is full. There is no way I am going to have Sushi and that too left over, even if it means that I die of hunger.
We were sitting on the bed, having beer and munching on chips. She reminded me that we need to work on a fine tuned strategy to work our divorce that will look acceptable to our parents. She asked, "Are you very sure about the Sushi-cum-Noodle thingy? I lit a cigarette and said, "Listen! our logical parents will not bite the bait and will find it ridiculous that we are splitting because of food." Sushmita inches close to me and nodded. It's very rare that she agrees with me and smiled. "You remember how you send Dad this T-Shirt on our marriage and before that, your heated argument with him on soldiers." I laughed.
We are already drunk and I hold her close to me. She moves towards me and I pull her hair away to kiss her.  I was not in control, we were not in control. We started smooching as I feel the electrifying pull of her body towards me. She bites me in the earlobe. I run my finger down on her naked body as she smiles sheepishly. She urges, "What are you waiting for?" I was not in control of myself and something inside was asking what I am doing and we didn't came to Lonavla for honeymooning but plot our divorce. I didn't pay heed to that voice as I ran my hand on her boobs. I was getting drawn to her as she pulled my jeans. We stood naked on bed. She scratched my shoulders with her long finger nails and it didn't took us a second to get inside each other. She moaned. It was quite an effort. I was feeling guilty because both of us are looking to divorce but we ended up having sex.
I walked towards the kitchen and gulped a glass of water down the throat. I was feeling better. I came back to the room and saw that she was fast asleep. Sushmita looked beautiful and attractive like a swan. I was feeling damn hungry and took a bites of Sushi that was left in the fridge. I don't know why I didn't object eating the Sushi and quite enjoyed munching. It was a different feeling to eat Sushi, the favorite, of my wife or soon to be ex-wife. It was strange, eating stuff that I normally hate and am jealous of, the same Sushi that made us grew apart. Has Sushmita's soul got into me after sex which perhaps united two souls in conflict with each other? I dodged the question.
I spent the night sleeping on the couch and didn't slept next to Sushmita. Dunno why? The bed was a huge one that can accommodate two people but I prefer to sleep alone. But, it was a different kind of feeling. I slept peacefully that night.


Divorcing over Sushi: Episode 8

I woke up at 6 a.m and I didn't remember when I crashed on the sofa in the car. I vaguely remember what relationship advise RJ Kamya gave to me except her giggles and she trying to make sense by telling me to have a heart felt chat with my wife. I opened the car and splashed some water on my face before heading back to the apartment to catch some sleep.
Time to forget about RJ Kamya and Radio Mirchi. I gotta work something else, but what? Heart felt chat with the wife! How do I forget that we are conspiring together to get a divorce over food and everything else? We do not fight like other couples, there are no extra marital affairs where we could accuse each other. Sushmita's idea of me being impotent is the most lame excuse I've ever heard to divorce. I slept for nearly eight hours during the day and woke up in the evening.
Susmita came home at six, threw herself on me with a peck on my cheek and a tight hug. I can't tell how attractive and electrifying she is as our bodies made contact, her bosom against my chest. I moved away before something untoward happens between us. I am the first husband who is avoid body contact with his wife or any form of intimacy. She made a sign towards the living room, "Are they inside?" I asked her why and she gestured towards our parents. I replied, "No! They've gone out for shopping. Btw, have you thought bout' how we go towards our divorce plans?"
She replied, "I dunno, yaar. Perhaps, you should give a hint what we should do. As it is, you know how we fought with them to get married and, just imagine, the calamity that will struck if we announce our divorce."
I nodded and agreed with her point of view. But, something must be done.
I pour a whisky with ice in our glasses and scratch my head. Idea! Yeah! "Listen," I yelled. "Idea! What if you tell them that you've got a scholarship to London and that you are going to stay with Aditi."
She sported a despairing look and laughed ironically. "Ranveer! How does that solve our divorce problems?"
I smiled and say, "See, you move to London for a while and it means we are no longer together. Chup ke se, we file for divorce on account of incompatibility and we can give any bullshit to the magistrate. As it is, there are no dearth of lawyers who will help us do that."
She started laughing, "I just can't believe what you just said. Do you think the courts are some supermarkets where you can to buy condoms? Dude, divorce take a very long time to be granted. What are you hinting at? Don't tell our parents! They are our parents' for fuck sake and you think Aditi won't tell anything to our relatives. She is my cousin and will keep bugging me why we are heading for a divorce. I don't wanna be a laughing stock in front of our extended family in London."
We are, probably, the first couple who are clueless about our own divorce. It's been such a big headache and none of the ideas are really tilting in our favor. We've tried every trick in the book and the whole bunch of ideas that I flouted with pride has fallen flat on my face. Gosh! Gosh! I am a creative PR person and she is an ad person, but, what is happening to our minds.
Sushmita is getting ready and give me a peck on my cheek, which I am sure the red lip stick will remain. Before heading towards the door, she tells, "Listen! Don't worry, baby. We need to fake a fight and let's plan for a gateway to Lonavla next Sunday, on the pretext of working it out. Bye."
Wow! I mean, look at her. She said it so effortlessly as if we are some honeymoon couple enjoying life. Yet, we are plotting our own divorcing over 'Sushi.' I so wanted to tell her, "Stop Baby-ing." After all, technically, we are a couple who wanna get divorce so desperately.  But, she says everything so sweetly that I cannot protest over anything that she says. Now, over to Lonavla over some Sushi-Honeymoon kinda divorce experiment. 

Divorcing over Sushi: Episode 7

I am back from reality. We are an unhappily-happily married couple, lying on the bed after having sex and plotting for divorce. I pull on my jeans and white t-shirt as I set to drive the car and tune on to Radio Mirchi. Idea! Yes! Idea! I gonna listen to radio and I will sort out how to get rid of each other. RJ Kamya, the girl with the sweet and sexy voice solve problems live on radio but, for that, I gotta wait till midnight. Radio Mirchi will help us get out of our marital bond and, yeah, Sushi, will be out of my life. Arre! Bhai! I will see no Sushi on the table, in the kitchen and gosh! The very taste or perfume of Sushi will not poison me anymore The very thought of someone making me eat Sushi is giving me a heart attack and sounds nauseatic. I feel like vomiting. Oh! Lord Voldemorte! Save me from the clutches of Sushi-mita combo. It's like buy one, get one free,  Sushi+ Sushmita.
What if I join a political Party? Perhaps, those communists groups and if I am elected, I will ban Sushi from all the restaurants. CPI-M is a communist party and I'll cry hoarse that restaurants started by capitalists all over the city are sucking the blood of the poor and exploiting people and Sushi should be banned. I will protest and take slum-dwellers from all over Mumbai to protest against Sushi. Then, opposition and media will tell that my wife eats Sushi. I'll narrate my plight to them and how Sushmita has made my life hell by munching Sushi every day. Ok! No problem. I'll call a press conference and announce that I am divorcing her because of Sushi. Just imagine Infinity Mall and other places in Mumbai operating without Sushi. I'll be called the father of reforms and fighting against Sushi. Perhaps! like Raja Ram Mohan Roy and Swami Vivekananda who fought against idol worship and my putla will placated all over the city.
I gave Sushmi a call in the evening, "Hey! Wassup? Listen, I am not coming home in the evening and inform our parents ki I'm staying at a friend's place." She remained mute for a while and started teasing, "So! Mister, you enjoyed the Sushi night, err! I mean, the sex."
"Huh! Again with the Sushi!!! What? Sex! I didn't do anything, my Sushi lady."
She reminded me my joke sucks about her favorite plate and how can I disclaim sex like the Maggi Noodle that I eat. "Btw, you've become terrible on bed and guess, we can use that for our divorce conspiracy..haha..anyways, will inform our parents and I am going to stay at Anjali's place for some Sushi party." What!!!! She is again going for Sushi, yaa, and now, she is planning to tell them we are divorcing and she is calling me impotent, I can't believe that. I will seek revenge from her and gonna make her drink like a fish. Yesterday night will not be the last time, we had sex. She called me impotent and we gonna have a last night. I will take my revenge. Oh! Lord! What I am saying? We are getting divorced over Sushi and not sex.
I lied to her and I parked the car near Shivaji Park, Bandra. I called the Barista guy, "Haan! Chotu! I am outside Shivaji Park and bring me one cold Arabica with ice cream and chocolate topping." Choti knocked on the window of the Maruti Swift and I handed him 500-rupee-note. I told him to take the change.
Gosh! It's past midnight and I am enjoying the breeze in the silence of the night at Dadar which is unusually silent at night. I peep through the rear mirror and saw a young couple making out on a bike. I am getting so irritated and was about to turn the car and stop near the bike to tell them to take a room. I take a sip of my coffee and tune on Radio Mirchi. I finish the coffee and RJ Kamya is on air with her show 'Luv ka Tadka'. Fuck the lovey-dovey couple hungry for intimacy. I am not here to save their life and let Pandoo Mama comes and charge them for indecent behavior, PDA in public.
In my haste to pick up the phone, I spilled half of the coffee on the front seat and immediately poured a bottle of water to avoid ants terrorizing my car. I picked up the phone and dialed the number. What the fuck!!! "Iss phone ki sabi line vyast hai, kripa baad mein phone kijiye (All lines are busy, call again). I was like, here I abandon the comfort of my bed to sleep in a small car on a public road and this stupid voice is telling me to try again. I am feeling sleeping and I've been trying to get through RJ Kamya some 100 times. Oh! Now only five minutes remaining for the programme to end and it's almost 1 a.m in Mumbai. Miracle! It's ringing! It's ringing. RJ Kamya announces in her coy but sweet voice, "Hi, night lovers, we are going to take our last caller for this show in Mumbai..Hi....." Fuck, she is speaking to me and how do I tell her...I take a deep breath. She spoke sweetly in her soft voice, "Hi..hi..c'mon speak to me, I am your host, don't be shy." I regained my composure and stammer, "Hi Kamya, I am anonymous from Mumbai. I want to divorce my wife because she eats Sushi every day." RJ Kamya stopped in her track and started giggling on the phone and start laughing. "Ok!!! Hi Anonymous! Is this some kind of a joke." I retorted, "Do I look like I am joking on the phone?" She giggled, "Oh!! Okie! Listen dude........................


Divorcing over Sushi: Episode 6

I dreamed of Sushi spread all over the house, in every room, kitchen, living room as I bated for breath and running for my life. Mom and Dad, Sushmi and her parents are having Sushi and even our dog, Laila, was not spread. I woke up brutally and the thought of meeting her parents during the evening was haunting me. Fuck!!!!What am I going to tell to convince the Kaul family about financial security and my love for their daughter?
I sit in the living room and some stupid army, civilians tussle was aired on NDTV with anchor Barkha Dutt taking some army panelists to task. As Barkha was anchoring, I couldn't help notice how hot and sizzling she is and she is older to me. I wonder whether I have a fixation for older women and whether they are misplaced cougar in ma life to make me secure? Do I want Sushmi to mother me? Am I secure? I wonder!!!
"So, young man, what do you think about the natak this Barkha Dutt is doing?' Kaul Saab (Sushi father) took me by surprise.
He opened the lid of the Dewar whisky I gifted him and he poured the liquor in two glasses for both us. We say cheers and as I took a sip, I said, "She is right and the army men shouldn't have mishandled civilians in Kashmir. Guess, when you wear uniform, you think you can wield the power of arrogance on the people....", I almost stopped in my track, realizing the offensive harm I've done to the man. For fuck sake, he is the father of the would be bride and he has been an army guy for 40 years, fighting on the Line of Control. Why am I compromising my chances with the old man.
He got up, lit his pipe and took a walk, to and fro in the living room and switched off the TV. He came back and slinked on the sofa, "What? Are you out of your mind? Do you know if young people like you can sleep safely in the city and the country, it is because of the sacrifice of the Jawans. The army men were there to maintain peace since there are strife in Kashmir."
I nodded and was like this man is out of the arm and what he is doing here. He should be serving in the army and sacrifice his life for the country. Sushmita overheard the conversation and was coming to sit near me when her mother dragged her as I sit facing the whole family for a barrage of questions. Sushmi grinned at me, showing her displeasure of rubbing her dad's shoulder the wrong way and her mom has just nodded at me coldly. There is something called cold shoulder, I bet.
Major Rajveer started trimming his moustache and pulled his chest, I thought he should participate and will win hands down senior Mr Punjab contest, spoke as if he was giving some marching orders, "So, young man, let's get down to serious business. You have decided to marry my daughter. But, you are not working and how will you make my daughter's life secure plus there is a huge age gap between both of you. Is your family fine with this?"
"Sir, I am starting my PR firm?"
"Have you started?" the old man was getting on my heads now.
"I mean yes, no err, I will soon start," I stammered.
Sushmita intervened and there was a heated discussion in Bengali with her mother. Major Rajveer was intimidated by the wife.
I took the plunge and said that since it's my life, I already spoke to my parents and after all, it's our lives. We have decided to get married and maintained that I am starting the PR firm in a month. We love each other and many people in their generation run away to get married and, at that time, many guys were not even financially secure, I said. I was obviously referring to major and his wife who eloped to get married.
They look shocked and Sushmita was amused. Major Rajveer spoke to his wife in Bengali and I couldn't get a word, they must have deliberated for an hour as was sitting, getting tensed. I felt like sitting in an office, begging for job with this huge interview session. What!!! Are they going to make a bid for their daughter? For fuck sake, I am not King Rama of Ayodhya who has to lift the bow to make Sita mine.
Major adjusted his moustache swirling from an end to another: "Fine! My daughter is being stupid and it's entirely your take." His wife added: These young people think everything is possible with them and both of you bear in mind, if something goes wrong, you got yourself to blame. This army major sternly told me, "Welcome to the family." He poured a single scotch in his glass and, man, my glass remained empty. What a loser!!!

We met at my parents house in Bandra and there were six of them sitting at the dining table. Sushmita brought her parents along and I was surprised how the senior citizens were bonding when I thought that there might be a tussle. Sushi's  parents were narrating their love story with mom telling, 'So cute' while Dad was laughing loudly. Dad and Major Rajveer bonded over whisky and we thought how they were kids, age divide and community differences. Parents can be biased and forget about their romantic escapades, I thought.
It is my marriage. I am wearing a gold Sherwani and Sushmi is beautifully draped in a red saree with loud music, alcohol flowing freely. I so wanted to gulp a glass to break the stress and this whole wedding business is getting on my head, riding on some stupid horse and dancing my way to the hell. I hate the Pandit who was chanting mantra for hours and wanted to kick him in the ass. I couldn't make any sense of the wedding chants and it's just not my thing. Sushmita was giving me threatening looks and I was smiling, knowing what prank I played at her residence in the morning. She is going to kill me for sure. After all, who is the groom who does such cheap antics on the wedding day. We were tired of receiving gifts, wedding cards and getting felicitated by guests. 
We danced with the guests and were cautious not to be too cozy with each other. Sushmita whispered into my ears, "I want to kill you and what kinda crap joke was that. We should go and speak about in a while." I acted normal with a what. She replied that it's not funny.
Sushmita walked towards the newly married room in her red lehenge as I followed her. I was stopped by some relatives who pinched my cheek. I finally made my way and she looks pissed making her wait. I held her hand and kissed her. She pushed me and kissed her on the mouth again. She smiled seductive and looks so beautiful. She slapped me on my head, "You moron, why did you do that?" Dad was not amused at all and wondering who sent him this stupid t-shirt. I laughed, "What it was gift from the Jamai?" She laughed. It's another thing that Major Kaul never found out on the t-shirt that I slipped beneath the main door with a 'With Love' note. I so wanted to look at the face of Major and it must be embarasing. I took my revenge on the father in law with the funky tee 'Rules for dating my daughter.'
PS: The idea was given by my FB friend Garima Srivastav Nag.


Divorcing over Sushi-Episode 5

I messaged Sushi, informing her that I am accompanying Mom to Somnath temple on a religious trip and that I will be back in a week. She called back in the evening, "Adi! Are you mad? How can you do that to me?"
She almost cried on the phone and was shouting hysterically. I maintained my calm and tried to soothe her, "Baby! Chill! I promise to sweet talk her during the trip back home and convince her about us. I know it's going to be very tough, but, eventually our love will win." I sounded like Shah Rukh Khan in DDLJ, hoping that she listens to me considering she's a crazy fan of the guy. Sometimes, movie stars help with girls.
She kept silent for a while and shot back: "Why do you forget we were supposed to meet on Sunday at your parents' place for dinner?. Anyways, have a nice trip, Mr atheist, with your mom and hope you are not converted to the Gods that never existed." She told me in no unequal terms that she is not going to meet me till I don't reveal to Mom about our marriage. I reacted with, "What the fuck?" She told me placidly: "No fuck Mister. Have a nice trip and I am standing my ground." I sulked and accepted her decision. There is no point arguing with Sushmita.

This night, Dad took me to his favorite place at the Olive's Pub in Bandra to have a drink. I order a Vodka with lime and Dad was sipping Dewar Scotch whisky. He looked at my drink: "Son, what are you having? Sushmita's favorite drink." My father has the habit of asking a question and give the answer to unsettle the other person. This time I am his victim.
"W-ha-t Dadd?"
He smiled wickedly: "Son, girls prefer Vodka over whisky and it's a chick drink."
"Dad, you are such a sexist," I countered. I didn't want to continue this Whisky vs Vodka discussion and was keen on what he wanted to tell or discuss with me. I mean, at times, he can discuss, a completely departure from his 'I am Telling You' dictator streak.
So, over to Dad. "So! You have decided to get married?" I nodded, unsure where this discussion is going and I am not prepared to this Are You Sure-kinda-crap.
Dad gulped his whisky and said: "See, son! You are yet to start your PR firm. Any progress on that front?"
I hesitated but explained: "I mean the whole thing is set and we are planning to start with a team of five. We've zeroed on some buildings in Andheri, Parel and Kalyan. The only hitch is the bank loan and the expensive rent in Andheri and Parel." Dad intervened: "Let me speak to the manager at ICICI Bank. He is a good friend of mine and why don't you guys take our house at Bandra. Give me 10k as the rent till you guys get a new office." I told Dad that I will discuss with the team.
I am being grilled with Dad over the marriage things as I choose to ignore the huge grilled chicken, as if Dad's quizzing me was not enough.  He started with: "The match haven't stopped for you and your mother wants to see you settled in a fat Punjabi wedding with a desi Punjabi and homely girl." I was getting restless.
He winked an eye: I wish you all the best with your mom and don't expect me to intervene in your father. I stopped Dad: "I never asked you to and gonna break the news to mom on our way back." As we were leaving Olive, Dad made a stupid joke: "You know how your Mom is obsessed with Indians soap operas and just make sure that when you give her a heart attack, she doesn't shout, Nahin! Nahin! in front of everyone in the train. I replied coldly: "Dad, it's just not funny. He smiled back: "All the best, son." I could never understand Dad and when I thought, he will support his wife in opposing my marriage to Sushmita, he is being quite cool coz, perhaps, he knows that I already left the house and won't buckle under pressure. Well! I thought that he will give me a long gyaan on being married to a Bengali-Punjabi girl who is five times my senior in age, he was just making fun of it and indulging in some stupid jokes. Dad seemed so disinterested and was surprised at the man who wielded a stick to discipline me, give me morality lessons at the time I was an adult who is capable of making my own decisions in life.
The trip to Somnath temple went out well and I dunno what Mom was blabering by folding her hands to implore the Gods. In the name of love, an atheist hanged around the temple by starring at the idols, at least, pretending to pray and being so nice to the priest. Love makes us to things we consider to be ridiculously awesome. On our way back to Mumbai, we took the train and mom nicely told me: "I told Bhagwan to guide you so that you don't stray anymore and you get married to a devoted Punjabi girl."
I tried to protest but to no avail with a 'Mom, please." Who is going to stop Mom telling me the A-Z story of the daughters of Sharma's, Kaur and Khoslas." Finally, I got so fed up and held mom's hand: "Mom! We have decided to get married and we need your blessings."
Mom was stumped and gave me the 'Have-I-Heard-It-Right?' type of horrifying look and you disappointed me. She stared at me for while and spoke in hushed tone, "Adi! You don't know what you doing with your life and look at her age. What will people say?" I reacted with, Mom!! C'mon. She is the only one for me and don't ever think that I will marry someone else." She wore a disappointed look, "Now! Don't make a scene in the train among strangers. You don't care about our reputation and one day you will be sorry for marrying someone out of our community." I wanted to tell her that it is her who is making a hush scene and over-reacting. I didn't and despite my repeated attempts to cajole mom, she refused to speak to me throughout the train journey.
Dad was watching news on NDTV and smoking a cigarette when we reached home. He asked how was the trip and mom started, "Don't ask me but put this question to your beloved son who is hell bent to shame us in front of our community. He is adamant to marry that girl who is older than him and who has a Bengoli mom. She is not even 100 per cent Punjabi. Can you imagine?" Dad was sitting at leisure and said, "I know. He told me about it, the other day." The channel in our house has shifted automatically from NDTV to live Soap Opera in the house as Mom has turned into Tulsi Virani. "You knew about it and you have the guts to tell me now. Yet, you didn't deem it important to tell me that this Adi has lost his head and I am sure that girl is playing Black Magic on him. She has controlled his mind," Mom was being hysterical. I tried to protest but mom continued with her ranting, "I have lost my son now to that girl."
I was getting pissed and finally shouted, "Mom!!!! Will you please shut this non-sense and stop acting like those idiotic characters in those stupid Ekta Kapoor serials. Nobody is taking me away and why would an educated, liberal woman try black magic on me. By the way, her name is Sushmita and not that girl. I walked away from the hall.
There were huge fights at home with mom solely leading the pack with reference to the wonderful matches made in heaven and thousands of marriage proposals.She was constantly referring to age gaps and whether she will be able to take care of me. I replied back saying that I need a wife and not one with motherly affection. I snapped out, "Mom! You are enough with your motherly affection." Mom stopped bugging me for a while and wouldn't stop making drama on how liberal Sushmita is for staying with a boy half her age outside wedlock. "How can I accept this match? This girl is not domesticated as good Indian bahu in the first place and will never listen to what he says. This new generation is so wrong and they reject the beliefs of a good sanskar and I am not sure whether this girl will obey our family culture, traditions and sit in Puja," Mom looks desperate in her definition of a good Bahu as defined by the Singh family. I was incense and uttered, "Mom! If you are so adamant about all those values and traditions, wait till we do the darshan of Sanskari Babu." Mom looked at me to ask who and I said, "Alok Nath." Dad was laughing behind my back.
I walked away, saying that I am so done with all the loose talks, not without threatening that if Mom doesn't agree with the wedding, we are going for a court marriage. I crashed at Sid's place.
Finally, Mom has agreed for the wedding and was informed by Dad about the latest joyful development. I felt like gifting her DvD's of the soap operas. But, I am sure that Dad has worked something and I still don't know how he managed to convince her. Mom was on the phone and spoke lovingly, "Haan, beta! Call Sushmita for dinner, next Sunday." I jumped with joy and kissed Sid on his cheek. The poor guy was too shocked to react and for once, he must have thought that I've turned into a homosexual. Gay and happy!
Finally, I broke the news to Sushmita who was canoodling me on the phone and yelling. She was in the office at Daily News at Fort and started Baby-ing me, "Let's catch up today at Churchgate five p.m. I'll take a break since I will stay in office past midnight. Love you, Baby," she sounded excited at the good news.
We met at Barista near CST station and she yelled and run to hug me as we kissed like school kids. We didn't care that the place was crowded and she giggled like a school girl. "Finally, it's done," she smiled. I told her the whole mom saga and for a while she was not amused at all. Now, it was my turn to ask and she revealed that her parents are not agreeing to the whole wedding and, apparently, her mom has taken an instant dislike to me at the airport. I joked, "Next time, I shall get your mom some fish fry, the staple food for Bengolis. What's her problem, yaar?" She replied, "I don't even know. They are quite worried that you don't have a regular income and guess, we gotta, convince them about your PR firm."
I was silent for a while and decided to meet her parents before the famous Sunday dinner. I kissed her, "Don't worry. We will convince your parents." She smiled, warning me, not to overact when I meet her parents and don't try to act like some filmi hero. Oh! Tough task at hand and I already got an idea, planning to get major Kaul a bottle of imported whiskly. I heard from somewhere that army people love liquor and,perhaps, I'll get uncle drunk and take away the girl. I decided to barge into the Kaul's house..oops! sorry! Sushmita's house and not theirs'.


Divorcing Over Sushi-Episode 4

"You know Mom and Dad are coming to Mumbai," Sushmita told me as we lay on the bed.
I flung the cigarette and freaked out, "What! you told them about us?"
"No! Chill re! They are moving to Mumbai from London and we gotta  receive them at the airport. 
Wow! I thought. It's even worse and as if my parents were not enough, Now, I will now have to bear the brunt of Punjab meets Bengal. I just let it off: "Listen! I am not shifting to my parents' place. There is no way I am doing that."
She turned her gaze towards me, "So, what do you want me to do now? Bring them in and tell them that I am staying with my live-in boy friend who has nicely chosen to leave his parents house."
We remain silent for a while. Sushmita started with her logic and reasoning kinda stuffs, "What yaar? They are your parents and you cannot shift with them for a while! Please, Baby, do it for my sake!," she implored.
I feel so good inside and revel at my own victory. It's the first time that Sushmita is begging me for something and it's boosting my ego. I am finding it better than sex any day and it's such an aphrodisiac for my own well being.
I called Sid on the same day and explained to him the whole situation on phone since I had no time to catch up to plead with him to give some space in his rented flat. I was well aware of the irony of sort, my being a local Mumbaikar, pleading for a place to stay in the house of someone who is surviving on  a rented compound in maximum city. I thank my stars coz Sid has no live-in girl friend nor flat mates and I wonder how this call center senior executive lives in a two bed room flat in Oshiwara. I am one lucky dude to occupy one single bedroom and borrowed Sushi's brand new Skoda to carry some of my stuffs to Sid's place. I drove back to Sush's flat and we had a heated argument on the fact that I have to accompany her to the airport, stay in the background and shoot only when she nods to me or the parents ask about me. I keep calm.We finally reach an understanding that we gotta invite ourselves-me and Sush-to my parents' house on Sunday. I have never faced such a phunny situation where we gotta convince our parents for the wedding. She wanna get married and wow! the age factor will surely tickle mom and Dad the wrong way.
Thursday 11 p.m
CST Airport:
I sipped tea and puffed a cigarette outside the international airport waiting for the Punjabi-Bengoli combo of Sushi. I hope the parents are not a huge fan of Sushi-not my live-in girl friend but the food of course- and I find it amusing to think of the Mom or future to be Saas gorging on fish fry. After all, it's a Bengoli thing! I am laughing imagining the father-in-law sipping lassi like a true blue Sardar or drink alcohol like a fish. I get a miss call. It's Sushi: "Baby! Come in, Mom and Dad reached. I throw away the cigarette and hush towards Terminal 2. I saw Sushmita walking along with a well built and tall frame, straight from the army, sporting a weird moustache that always scared me to death as a kid, and an aged lady, tilak on the forehead. She looks like those characters straight from the Saas Bahu serial. "I am screwed and my soap opera starts from now," I tell myself.
Sushmita walks in my direction as I offer to carry the luggage of the future-in-law, expressing an innocent smile on my face. "How are you, young man?" the old man offered a firm handshake to me. I was struck by the thunder in his voice and felt like I am in an army camp. I replied with a warmth, "I am good sir, thank you very much. The wife coldly said Hi and I realize that she has not taken a very good liking to me. I drove the car, swirling from the right to left, trying to avoid the traffic and, thankfully, we reached Sushi's apartment in an hour. I was relieved that the army man didn't indulge in too much conversation with me and what got to my head was the heated argument between mother and daughter in Bengoli. I tried to look unfazed but my ear was increasing drawn to their lively music and could make out that it was all about me.
I bade the old couple farewell and the last thing I wanted to do on the tiring day is to indulge in a conversation with Sush's dear parents. I call her Sushi since I am familiar to her fixation for Sushi on plate during our courtship and live-in relationship where the food's perfume travels from the bedroom to the kitchen. I dozed off early that night and before hitting the sack, Sush messaged with a, "Worry not! It's mom only but everything is in control. But, don't 4get to meet ur parents kal itself..gnite Baby..love u, Muah." I shot back with an okay and good nite as I am too tired to ask bout her mom.
I didn't remember how I spent the whole day. I am sitting on the dining table with mom and dad, fidgeting with the spoons, forks on the dining table. Dad asked, "So, how is everything going with Sushmita and how come you randomly thought about us for this special dinner?. Is everything alright."
I was about to start the whole marriage discussion when mom's silence grabbed my attention. I nodded with a yeah. Mom went inside the kitchen to bring the paneer and check the stove.
Dad gave me a pat on my shoulders and gently uttered: "Now tell me! Something is bothering you."
It was a slip of a tongue and I just blurted out: "We have decided to get married."
I just dropped  bomb on Dad's head and he didn't know what to say. He managed to say: "Now, keep it mum and after dinner, let's go for drinks since we have to sort out things before your mom makes a scene. See, I didn't agree with many of your stuffs and disapprove of the live-in relationship but since you are an adult, I will not interfere in your life." I breath easy but was aware it's going to be a momentary joy, knowing mom and the theatrical antics she will indulge into.
We ate silently and bonded with mom over the new kids in the neighborhood flat who makes her happy. Mom told me that she wanna go on a religious trip to Somnath Temple and I offered to accompany her. For a while, she forgot that I am living with Sush and hugged me. I know it's a very selfish thing to do but at least I will buy time from both Sush and mom. 


Divorcing over Sushi: Episode 3

Infinity Mall, Andheri, 2010
A huge crowd swarmed to Gold Adlabs to catch the evening show of Luck by Chance starring Farhan Akhtar and Konkona Sen. I was smoking outside the mall and, on an impulse, decided to go on third floor to grab a coffee at CCD and do some time pass..admiring the chicks and hanging around. I love hanging at malls just for the sake of killing time and the pleasing crowd indulging in noisy bentering and laugh at the food court and outside the multiplex.
I was bored to the hilt and constantly checking the time on my handset. It's just that I didn't know how to kill time and didn't want to go home since Mom is bugging me with Sharma-ji ki beti. Honestly speaking, I'm so tired that someone called Prachi is a software engineer from United States and is the only daughter of Sharma-ji who owns an expensive flat in Bandra. Sharma-ji has promised to give his future son-in-law the flat as wedding gift..read dowry and a Skoda car. Frankly, I couldn't care less despite I am using a borrowed grey Maruti Swift which I consider mine since I use it most of the time. And! Dowry..well, I don't wanna start with my rebellious views and screw my own mood. I decided to catch Luck By Chance to kill time and wish that the Sharma and his daughter and, of course, Maa's discourse are kept at bay. I needed a break very badly.
I was munching pop corn throughout the movie and keep toggling with my cellphone, playing games, checking sms and the time. I was enjoying the moving but was growing restless since I wanted to storm my way outside the theater. I just spotted her in the front row. As the movie ended, I hushed my way outside, leaning my back to the food counter and gazing at the crowd coming out of the theater. I saw her coming out and pretending to check my cellphone. I followed her through my right eye and saw her approaching me, "Hey!!! What you doing here?"
I pretended to be confused and almost shrieked, "Sushmita."
"Thank God! You remember your savior from the fateful day when you were drunk. Are you sloshed?"
"Haha! Vey funny."
She just asked me out for coffee, "Let's go and have coffee. You pay this time."
I responded, "Is it a date?"
"Hmm! I am just interesting to study the psychology of people who cannot stand on their feet and who kisse someone in their own house."
""Listen! I am really sorry, okie. It's just that I just broke up and...," I lied.
"...you just grab someone and kiss."
I kept mum.
"So.......," I try to break the silence.
"So? What!!!!, she looks scandalized.
"Are you seeing someone?" I asked shamelessly.
She avoided my question, "What's your age?"
Is this an answer to my question?"
Well! I asked your age and why you behaving like a coy bride?"
"Dude! I'm 30."
I played around, 'What age got do it with love?"
"Listen, I asked for coffee and that doesn't mean that I am in love with you and want to sleep with you. By the way, I am not seeing anybody for your kind information. I mean, I was but the jerk turned out to be a an asshole, a bloody chutiya."
She signals that she has to go and picked her bag. As she was leaving, I called out, "Angry young woman, leave your number before going....."
She turned back, "Give me a miss call on 9822............I'll be waiting, kid."
What the fuck? She just called me a kid like an ageing aunty showering some motherly affection. We spent the nights speaking on the phone and chatting for long hours. Something was brewing between us as she was sending me some naughty sms-es. I wondered whether it was some signal. We were spending time together, partying, bonding over coffee date and catching the latest Hindi movies together, holding hands. We were in love and it took a while for both of us to accept since we knew for sure that our egos is bottling our feelings.
One night we partied with some of her common friends and one of her best friend, Kriti, dragged me along on the pretext of a dance. "Dude! She is in love with you and what are you waiting for to propose?" I was confused. I mean, I know we are dating. Both of us know that we've been seeing each other and indulging in normal kissing. Kriti pointed me towards Sushmita who was sitting in the lounge and having Vodka shots. Kriti threw me out of the dance floor and I walked towards Sushmita. She was having Vodka shots and munching 'Sushi'. Oh! Somebody, please save me!!! I hate Sushi and forced to have a bite. "Hey! Have some," she put some in my mouth.
I held her by the waist and smooched her, "Baby! I love you." She yelled and hugged me, "Wow! You just proposed to me." Sushmita was laughing loudly and start shouting to everyone, "He just proposed to me."
My stupid family has started making my life hell with marriage proposals and it's the time we decided to move together. Mom and Dad made some drama of 'Log kya kahenge' with me moving with my girl friend in an apartment. As I was leaving with my bags, Dad said, "Adi, you are such an idiot and I don't think you know what you are doing with your life. Anyways, it's your decision."
I stood up to dad and managed to say, 'Thank you Dad and I'm adult enough to decide what to do with my life. As I walked out past the door, I overheard Mom, the drama queen shouting loudly to Dad in Punjabi how worthless I am and don't care about the family honor.
One fine day, Sushmita popped the much dreaded question wedding on the day she resigned as a journalist for the Mumbai tabloid, Daily News. I am clueless why the newspaper is called Daily News since it's less about news but more about sensation, celebrity gossips. I was taken aback by the question and the shouts of Mom, straight from the Ekta Kapoor' saas-bahu was racing in my mind. I am screwed and was thinking what to tell my parents. After all, her Dad is Sikh which should not be a problem but her mom is a Bong. Our upright Singh family hate the Bongs like hell. Now, I need to overcome drama queen at home. I decided to spend my time watching some Saas-Bahu serials to coax my parents for us to marry. As if it was not enough, Sushmita's staple food in the kitchen, 'Sushi' is bugging me or is it the other way round. I am clueless.
Sushmita was waiting for my answer, "Hell! I am waiting for an answer from a man with whom I am sharing my house, bed and body with. Why do you need so much time to think about marriage? Baby, don't tell me you have a phobia of committing yourself. Certainly, you are not Salman Khan."
I lit a cigarette. "Sush! Let me think and I am not running away for fuck sake. I am thinking how to convince my parents and you know how they are. Now, will you stop being after my neck and lemme think how do we go about," I defended myself.
I was thinking how the odds are laid against me..her age, not that it matters to me but our conservative parents and her Bengoli-Sikh blood."
She interrupted, "Okay! Let me convince my parents and you speak to your mom and dad. Do I take yes for a committed answer?" she asked impatiently.
Now, I was getting all hyper and extremely worked out. "Yes, baba. Yes!," I felt like being hit by a snipper in a war-zone situation. Time to get ready for some real action and family dram in my live soap opera called my life and my marriage. 
I closed my eyes and dozed off without realizing that Sushmita was lying by my side on the bed. I didn't even say good night to her and I'm sure she is majorly pissed off. Cuddling before sleeping, sweet good night make her world go round.


Divorcing over Sushi: Episode Two

I was horrified in the morning as I found myself lying naked on bed by the side of a woman with whom I am conspiring to divorce. My first reaction is that it may be an illusion since I must be high on the alcohol and the ganja we smoke in the party. I touched Sushmita's body thrice to make sure she is real. It is the same woman I made love to three years earlier in the car and during our courtship and blissful married life. She is lying completely naked. I am bewildered that I had the nerves to be intimate with her at a time we are dying to get rid of each other. I swear to be off alcohol, till I sign on the dotted papers of divorce, at least in her company. Maya jaal seems to be over powering me..oops! Sushmi jaal..I can smell, I weigh my words rightly, smell Sushi in the kitchen. Oh! Somebody please save this helpless man! Wait! Is there anything called Abhla Mard on the defensive out to defend his honour.

Three Years Back
I am sloshed and struggling to find my way to the car parking zone outside Olive disco, zigzagging my way to locate the Maruti Swift, I borrowed from Adi. Now, I am not sure that I'll reach the car safely. A female voice calls out, "Oye! Are you okay?" I keep walking clumsily, she is not calling me but may be a friend, boy friend, husband, ex boy friend. How do I care? At least, I've reached the parking and, in the worst case scenario, I'll pass out till the morning and sleep peacefully on the ground. I feel like puking and almost fell on the ground, losing balance. Somebody held my body and I can feel her boobs against me. I can't even see her face as everything was dark in my world. A feminine voice shouts out, "Guard, please help me and hold this drunkard till the time I take my car." Wait, did somebody call me a drunkard?
In a flick of minutes, two security guard gently put me on the sofa seat of the car. I started shouting, "Let me drive, I can and want to go home. No worry."
I get a tight slap on the face, "Fuck you. It's not your car and it's mine. I dare you to touch my wheels. You can come and take your car, tomorrow."
"Who are you?"
"None of your fucking business. I am taking you to my home and you'll sleep on the sofa. Make sure you don't puke inside coz  don't wanna you dirty my sofa."
I am too drunk to protest at this over agitating, angry young woman who must be a huge fan of Amitabh Bachchan. I bet she's Punjabi coz only sardarni are so hot blooded in my dictionary. I pass out in the car that zoomed past the busy road and honking wildly.
I  woke up with a head ache in the morning, barely remembering when I slept and how I ended up on the mattress lying on the floor. What I remember is that some hot chick I hardly knew drag me to her house after I couldn't find my way to the car in the parking space, not without threatening me. I woke up and served myself a bottle of chilled water from the fridge in the kitchen. I sat for a while and happy that I didn't make out with the random girl. After all, how can I? I was drunk like a fish and couldn't stand on my feet and sex is like grabbing the stars on the moon.
Dring..dring...the phone buzz and it was Mehki on the phone. "Hello! You are such an asshole, Adi?" I was about to retort and refute the accusations by shouting loudly but maintained a stoic silence since I was in the house of a random girl who showed me direction and gave me a place to sleep rather than me crashing my car on the deserted streets in Mumbai. At least, Miss stranger spared me the trouble of appearing in the front page of sensational newspapers. I let Mehki venting out her frustration,"Asshole! You let me all alone during the night and disappeared, I dunno where. I found out and was told that some gal dragged you somewhere. You must be busy banging her. Anyways, what you deserve is a tight slap on your bloody face, you wretched. It's over between us," she cut the phone on my face.
Miss stranger was standing near the wall and greeted me with, "Good Morning, Mister and how are you feeling?, Hi I am Sushmita", she said offering a handshake and displaying her  best Colgate smile. On a normal day, I would try my lame joke, 'Sushmita Sen' but greeted her with, "I just broke up..you know, my ex-girl friend on phone."
"Pardon me," she looks perplexed.
"Sorry! Not a good way to be introduced but my ex announced breaking up with me."
She sounded unapologetic,"How interesting?"
Sushmita made coffee for both of us and we started talking about our lives. She signaled that she gotta be ready for work and that my car is safe in the ground parking lot. I didn't realize that I was suddenly getting drawn to her and was gushing as she was drying her hair and her fresh lipstick she just applied. She was wore a corporate black suit. I bade her farewell and I don't know what happened to me when I planted a kiss on her lips. At first, she let me coz she was too shocked to react and sat on the chair.
She looked straight at me with a menacing look, "Can you tell me what you just did?"
"I kissed you"
"She increased her voice decibel, "Please get out of my apartment?"
"Acha, I'm sorry. It was not my intention. I mean..hey listen..I got carried away?"
"Out, you bloody mother fucker, asshole," she sounded like a wounded tigress.
I opted out of her house to avoid her wrath. She sounded so aggressive. As I made way into the Maruti Swift, I thought, "She must be a hardcore Punjabi. I mean she is so aggressive and violent."
I would not spot the sight of Sushmita for the next three months and I was longing for her. I dated quite a few chicks but the free spirited Sushmita would haunt me until the famous reunion happened..Luck by Chance....


Happy New Year plus bonus 2014: Divorcing over Sushi

Hola folks, wish you a very happy and blissful 2014. May all your dreams come true and have a fab year ahead. I also thank everyone for supporting my blog, commenting and reading me. As part of the new year, I am digging a short story that I left mid-way last year and promised to myself that I shall not abandon the project and decided to roll in small chapters. Here, enjoy the first chapter on the first day of 2014 as a small gift to all the loyalists.

Divorcing Over Shushi
Chapter I

I've been sitting at Barista for the past two hours, ordering cups of coffee and smoking like a chimney. I gotta go on a date-lunch-kinda break up party with my eighteen months wife, In fact, we are plotting for a divorce over perhaps sushi, her favorite.
We spend our time fighting a lot over Sushi..not that we wanted to tear the Sushi apart to take a beloved share. But, I was angry and jealous how Sushi has taken my place in the heart of  my honey, Sushmita. Incidentally, her parents have named her Sushmita and at that time, they were oblivious that their beloved daughter will grow up and fall in love with Sushi..half her name sake. So, waiting for Mrs Sushmita Singh..well that my surname before sushi..oops sorry Sushmita retains her original surname Sushmita Kaul. I have grown tired of my Sushi ordered her Sushi...every other night to save herself the trouble of making food..and I suck..I just can't cook except fry an egg that I top over five minutes Sphagetti..I am very Italian and continental in my choice of food and whenever I want something desi like my fat Punjabi thali, she gives me the scorn look often wiping her roots..her father is a Sikh who fell in love and eloped with her Bengoli mother..oh man! Her bong blood run amok in her and I am tired of hearing her speaking in Bengoli on the phone to her mother...I can't even make out whether they are fighting, laughing or crying. It's a dastard tale of when East meet West. It's scary and I feel terrorized.
Sushi..mita is an ad film maker who works for the famous, My tree and branch out films. Before our marriage, she decided to quit her job as a journalist with Daily News as a rebel act against her weird father, major Rajveer Kaul whose dream was to see his daughter head a newspaper and certainly not marry a college drop out like me who heads a PR firm. See, the Kaul family is an interesting package of superiority complex and bundle of contradictions. They often forget that their daughter is in the media yet cannot marry someone in the same line. That's the Kaul family.
Next on the list is the Singh family, meaning me and my father and mother. To get a better introduction of my family, better hear it out from the bahurani (daughter-in-law). There is no love lost between Sushi and the Singh of Lokhandwala complex, Andheri West. Jumping the fray to my friends who cannot see the logic behind our divorce. We don't fight like any normal and bohemian couple. For your kind information, I have not been caught with my pants down with someone else wife, a college going chick or the super hot client. Sushi is not having an affair, not even one night stand with her boss or the hot guys that surround her and she has a disdain for extra-marital sex and she hates such thrills. Yet,we are planning a divorce that shall send a tizzy in our large extended family where the risk of heart attack will be more visible. We cannot plan such things at home since our parents have visited our six bedroom duplex in Lokhandwala. The house is pretty spacious for the six of us to stay. I am waiting for her distance away from our house, sitting at Barista which is just a few kilometers away from Infinity Mall which is buzzing with activity.
It's already 7 p.m and beep..sms..Sushi..who else? Baby, I'll be late by one hour..my puchi puchi..please bear with me. See, women know how to coax you to hold your anger or simply vent it on the thin air. We are on the verge of divorce and yet she's playing games..she's a pro at it..Baby..puchi puchi..where the fuck this comes from? Only Sushmita can get such crazy ideas...I order capucino number four and signal the guy to get me a pack of Wills cigarette mild at the pan shop. 
Fed up of waiting over and over for Sushi, I walk my way towards Infinity mall to shower my eyes a unique treat. You name it, you get it! College going chicks swarming in the shopping mall, it's a marvelous treat for a man on a divorce and patience boy, I tell myself. In a matter of time, you gonna be a wild stallion and you gotta go on a rampage. I take the escalator and reach the third floor..you know where..Sushi Bar..where else.
It didn't took me long to spot..aha! Sushi at the bar, sipping a coke. She looks drop dead gorgeous in her white blouse and blue jeans, as she gently strut her curly hair. I walk up to my legitimate wife as she stood, sporting a benign smile, Hey. She throws herself towards me and we hug like lovers. We look like the perfect couple in love as I feel her boobs touch my chest. I felt adrenaline rushing down my spine. The hep crowd would never guess that we are a married couple, plotting and conspiring for our own divorce. As crazy as it gets, the Singh couple has been the wacky, mad couple in the heart of Mumbai.
So, howss it going? she quips not before adding salt to injury, mummy and papa must be having aloo paratha with ghee, referring to my parents. Sushi never misses the opportunity to shoot at my parents with her bow and arrows of words. She scores on me and start laughing so that the arrow hit my heart. I twist my hair lock. I always do that when she takes dig at me, albeit, my parents and I cannot not see how beautiful she looks. She get sadistic pleasure in doing that and I am petrified what she can do on the spur of the moment.
I retort, "So how pop dearest doing? He's adjusting his moustache which he trims during the whole day in front of the mirror. Does ur mom and Dad still have some linguistic clash..bengoli vs Punjabi."
She pats me on the shoulder and smiles, "Will you ever stop being mean to my parents? Waise bhi, I always win over you with arguments."
I laughed out loud and told her that she's being very funny.
We dunno how on earth we cannot get into verbal violence like other couples. We spend our time taking dig at each other and there's no way we end up fighting like regular couples. Yet, we are getting divorced.
 She gently reminds me, "By the way jaanu, why are we here today?"
"To discuss our divorce," I reply emphatically. I don't add my 'baby' touch to her 'Jaanu.' Sush is like that and she goes forever with Jaanu and that scares me to death. She sounds so much like some psychotic killer, obsessed to kill her soon to be ex-husband. I sometimes wonder whether she is planning to gently kill me with her 'Jaanu' thingy.
"Okie, how do we proceed and how do we do without actually tell them," She asked in her cute voice.
"How do I know? Well, I don't have a plan in mind and now let me think," I tell.
She slightly raises her, "How on earth you don't know?"
She continues," Well, I have an idea. Let's get drunk, party heard, kiss and have sex. The ideas will automatically flow."
I protest, "What the fuck is that?"
She drags me downstairs. 
We hit off at Olive pub at Bandra that was already crowded past midnight. She ordered a Tequilla. Gosh! How I hate her! First, Sushi and now Tequilla and as I ordered my malt whisky, I rack my brain hard so that I can get immediate solution to legally and emotionally terminate my marriage with this girl who is my wife. As I pour my second glass, idea no. 1 and I stutter my way towards her and called her baby. How one earth I did that? I am drunk on the second glass.
"Hey baby! Why don't you go and hit on some guy, handsome or ugly?"
She giggled, "You are already high, kya?"
I made a monkey face and said, "Yes! I am! So! We need reasons to get divorced."
She forcingly pull my face towards her and pounced on me and her lips meet mine. She is smooching me and I am defenseless. Hell! My wife is molesting me in public.